Eminem Exclusive

The "rapper" known as Eminem is coming out with his memoirs this fall, to the delight of angst-filled suburban white kids everywhere. In a recent news article, it says that it will "feature journal notes, hand-drawn art, and lyric sketches as well as a narrative and introduction written by the 'Lose Yourself' hitmaker himself."

Here at SBG, I obtained exclusive excerpts. A photo of a couple drawings (seen above), as well as a lyric sketch. No exclusive is complete, however, without some of the actual writing.

About life in the city:

"'Tis the concrete jungle where I stalketh my prey. Living such as this is folly for many a man, but for this man, I see truth. That truth is divine, and thou shalt honor it, and not engage in dissing. What is the truth, you may asketh yourself. The truth is that it is now that I will tap your mother from the back."

On his strained relationship with his mother:

"Wondrous years past, she and I would walk hand in hand through the park. She would smile down at me, yet I always knew that she was a little distant, perhaps slightly sad. Our situation was difficult to say the least. We were middle class, and it can be very tough being middle class when you live in Missouri as a young boy. Most folks from Missouri are lucky to be bottom-of-the-barrell class, so we were looked at with some disdain by those around us who couldn't buy pop-tarts. That, and my dad left us when I was a baby.

Perhaps that, along with the fact that even as a 6 year old, I felt it was my duty to inform her that she is a dirty, stupid bitch."

On fame:

"I am from the streets, my dear readers, and I will always be from the street. In fact, my mansion is approximately 200 yards from a street. I take the street when my driver has to transport me to the manicure shop. Also, a couple years ago, I threw out some trash onto the street from my Lamborghini. The streets are a dirty place, and I keep it real."

Shown here are lyric sketches that exhibit the true genius that is Eminem.

When these memoirs are released, I suggest you pick them up as soon as humanly possible. The riveting life story of one idiot's path to success has got to be better than some other garbage you've been reading.

Lastly, thanks to Eminem for providing us with someone to thank for their amazing contributions towards profanity and ignorance. And for looking like such a wuss.