Friday, March 31, 2006

Flight of the Pop-Tart

The other day, I was having a very high-level meeting with a former business associate. It was so high-level that I couldn't expect you to fully comprehend the magnitude of the discussion. It's just not fair to ask you to increase your clarity that much. Asking you to do so would be like asking Salma Hayek to be an ugly hag. We all know that will not happen.

Allow me to break it down for you. Pop-Tarts need an overhaul.

For many years, Pop-tarts have been available to the public, offering a completely unhealthy, yet tasty, breakfast alternative for those with an "on-the-go" lifestyle. The nice thing about Pop-Tarts is that it allows you to justify being too friggin' lazy to get your @$$ up and cook breakfast by implying the aforementioned "on-the-go" lifestyle. As a kid, I'd have taken Blueberry Pop-Tarts over eggs and bacon any day of the week. As an adult…not much has really changed.

In a nutshell, we've been given alternative choices with several products over the years: Oreos have given us multiple flavors, and most importantly, they gave us "Double Stuff" Oreos. If this isn't a sign that there is a God in Heaven, then you need to get to church, pal. By allowing us to indulge by doubling our stuff (I think "stuff" is also the technical term for the white crap). My idea for "Quad-Stuff Oreos" is the stuff of another blog.

Capt'n Crunch also, at one time, sold boxes of Crunch Berries WITH ONLY THE BERRIES. Someone out there is getting it, people. For the love of all that is holy, eating cereal devoid of the crunch, and just containing the berries is what dreams are made of, my friend.

With Pop-Tarts, I contend they also need to double their stuff, to create, as my esteemed colleague called it, a "Super-Tart", perhaps a "Mega-Tart". There's a science behind eating a Pop-Tart, so you can enjoy the filling.

1.) Eat the side crusts.
2.) Each "end crust" contains trace amounts of frosting. Select the side with the least, and eat that part next.
3.) Eat the remaining, frosting-laden end crust.
4.) You are now ready to eat the remainder of the Pop-Tart. Enjoy!

As an alternative, I have found that if you make two, you follow the same procedure, but stack the middle after you've annhilated the sides and ends. This creates a faux-Super-Tart. Fortunately, I have already organized a letter writing campaign to the good folks at Pop-Tart International. We are on fire right now with zero letters. At this rate, I expect the face of quick breakfast solutions to be changed by the year 2036. Who is with me?

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Blog Neglect Is A Crime!

Well, it's not really a crime. It's more of a case of the "travels". For the people who have been asking where the updates are, I've been spending way too much time in airports, and when I am home, I am spending time with the family. I have no trips until April, then I travel quite a bit between then and the end of fall. So chances are high there will not be a lot of updates. Darn, I know.

Let's run down the list of crap...

Pistons Hit 50

50 wins and 12 losses. Though the Pistons have lost 3 of the last 5, they are still headed for a pretty nice post-season. It was cool to see 4 Pistons in at the same time during the All-Star game, even though All-Star games are generally played at about 80%.

The freakin' LAKERS beat the Pistons. Ugh.

Welcome Back Bob and Virginia!

Heh. Old Bob gets to watch his wife act like a sloot on a message board to other posters. The fun!

Lucky #1

Marlon Lucky is topping the charts with his hit "No Holes To Run Through". Seriously, he's heading into spring in the top spot and I wish him well. The running game is a focus for Callahan and his staff. They've been doing great fixing things up. Special teams aren't near as "short bus-special" as they were, and the receivers started to catch balls thrown by wonder-QB Zac Taylor. I can't get enough of this guy, and hope he continues to play like a champ (barring injury and crappy line play, he'll do just fine). I'd also like to see him play Sundays after he graduates. Might be a reason to watch the pros. That's as far as I go though, my friends. Unlike others, I do not need any BRB towels to wipe up any man-chowder due to excessive man-crushes that result in a tailgate circle jerk infested by self-promoting nutsuckers who use the word "stud" way too much when referring to other men.

Bits & Pieces

Marcus Vick got out of a jail term. We're just delaying the inevitable here.

Slobodan Milosevic checks out, much to the delight of trillions.

Fewer news stories offer depth. The same can be said about this blog.