Thursday, October 23, 2008

Guilty: Two Counts of Blog Neglect

My good friend Ryan has reminded me that I suck. He did so in a tactful, sensitive manner as to not force me to go off the deep end, climb the clock tower, pour gasoline over my entire person and dive into a crowd of smokers, or watch Oprah.

That said, I am serving time for blog neglect. In Iowa, it's a 2-strike rule. Fortunately, they allow me to repent for 23 minutes per day as I wait for my lethal injection.

So what the hell? Good question.

The Office: Hilarious, as always. I still have never missed an episode. If I don't catch it when it is on, I watch that sucker later. It's a tough show to jump into unless you've seen 'em all. So if you try this show on my suggestion, and dive into it late, and have no idea what is going on, then screw you. I mean that nicely, in a loving "screw you" sort of way. One that isn't followed up with me shoving you down a flight of stairs.

Heroes: I enjoyed this show very much until this season. I am trying to enjoy it still. This last week's episode was a step in the right direction. SPOILER SPACE: (that's all the spoiler space you get, please refer to the aforementioned "screw you" scenario). Anyway, Hiro has gone from being naive, yet noble to an idiot. Peter Petrelli? Naive and noble and also now an idiot. Suresh? One of the best characters on the show, now also an idiot. The only redeeming quality in the season is Sylar. Pretty bad when your show's indiscriminate psychopath is the most reasonable, and least apt to fly off the handle. Harsh review? Maybe. I just expect great things from this show, and hope they turn it around.

Chuck: Best hour on TV.

My Own Worst Enemy: This Christian Slater vehicle is auto-biographical, apparently. Just kidding. It's actually surprisingly good so far (2 shows in). I have yet had the desire to launch anything or anyone valuable at the TV while watching it.

MotoGP: Thank God for Valentino Rossi. He is the 2008 champ, and deservedly so.

The Nebraska Cornhuskers: Missouri kills us at home. Ouch. What was worse was Virginia Tech, for me, as that was a game we were in, and should have won. Texas Tech beating us in OT is another one I can accept (I mean, come on, it's not like I have a choice, sitting here in cell block 2814). Baylor Saturday could be tricky, as Baylor isn't a great team, but they are not exactly the junior high team they used to be. We need to beat Baylor, K-State, and Colorado. Absolutely need to.

Lindsay Lohan: Not hot, never was hot, never will be hot. Her being with another chick doesn't make her hot. Salma Hayek and Kate Beckinsale? I'm on board.

Dream Theater released a new 3 CD set along with a couple of DVD's...unbelievable as always.

Okay, it's nighty night time. There is a line behind me of other people waiting to use this computer. Besides, if I am not back in the cell by a certain time, my bunkmate starts trading me for a carton of cigs, and that isn't fun the first 13 times, I doubt it gets more fun from here on out.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Bad Pizza

Hello. It's time for a sad story. A very sad story. A very, very sad...ok, sorry.

If you also live in the Des Moines area, (judging from the readership on this blog, you live in Cuba, Jordan, Chile, and Spain) you may agree with me that there aren't a lot of good pizza places in this town. Don't get me wrong, there are a couple bright spots, but central Iowa bites in this regard.

I understand that this is completely subjective, and one man's Paradise Cafe is another man's Pizza Hut. It is also important to note that I have not tried every single pizza place in the phone book.

So let's get started...using the CitySearch pages.

Before I get started, there is a restaurant in the Des Moines yellow pages called "A Dong Restaurant". Pardon me while I snicker like an 8th grader. Part of me wants to call them to see what's on the menu. The other part of me doesn't want to know. And neither do you.

1.) Adriatic Pizza. Never even heard of it. Not in the paper or TV. No review available on CitySearch, but the CitySearch pages lists 3.5 stars. Anything below 4 stars is not going to cut it, folks. My crack research team found these reviews. Funny how the first guy said it was "too bad they closed", and the guy who writes a review the next month comes off like someone in dire need of refilling the bong water.

2.) American Pizza Pie Company. It's in Grimes, and I've never been there. Grimes is a decent drive for me...maybe 20 minutes. That's crazy talk. The same site featuring Cheech and Chong reviewing the Adriatic did not have reviews listed for this place.

3.) Angelo's Pizza. Another place that has a couple locations, but I have not heard of it. No reviews I could dig up. CitySearch also gives it 3.5 stars. Of course, there's always a contrarion out there trying to ruin everyone's ratings. :)

4.) Baratta's Trattoria & Pizzarea. 4.5 stars with some reviews! Let's see...

One disgruntled individual writes: "Great service, lousy food. Really very disappointing. Italian specialties were mediocre, bland and poorly prepared, particularly the homemade raviloi that was too large, doughy, and tasteless. We drive thru Des Moines regularly and always stop for dinner; not at Bratta's again, though."

Wow! That's cold! A gruntled man writes "My wife and our families first went to Baratta's for our wedding reception and every year we make it our place to go for our anniversary.Our two young children even love the food there. I've been to every Italian restaurant in town and no one compares to Baratta's.The wait staff are quick,personable and attentive.The chef's cook the best steak DeBurgo in town and I have lots of other favorites there such as their delicious seafood Genovese,calamari linguini, and their succulent pizza.If you're looking for great,normally expensive food for inexpensive price and people who honestly care that their customers are both satisfied and that they'll return then Baratta's is just what you're looking for!"

He said "succulent". Sounds like I will be making a visit.

Update: I did the aforementioned piece about 2 months ago, and got bored with it. I may continue it if I become bed-ridden or unemployed.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Hey, no really, great to see you.

This evening's blog is going to run through some of the hits this blog gets from people who type in certain phrases or "keywords", as the kids call them, into the preferred search engines. I find it interesting that may people are searching for "Wal-Mart Racism". I also Googled it, and my entry was in the top ten searches that came back!! SCREW YOU WAL-MART! Yeah, I said it.

Personally, I thought the picture sold that blog entry. Speaking of that picture, another hit I get frequently is for "BigRedBoard". Those guys are completely irrelevant, they know it, and so do any of us nerds who hang out at Husker message boards. I said it from the beginning, their desire for conflict is so great, that eventually that board would see people leave in droves and it will turn into a small little club. At least a good board spawned from them.

Not a common hit on the blog, but I recently saw one for "Elizabeth Klinge". She is a news anchor here in Des Moines. She joins Brooke Bouma and the lady from the local FOX affiliate as being quite pleasing to the eye (in a non-stalker, no restraining order needed sort of way).

Let's see, what else do we have here...ah! Lots of hits the last couple of years for various Moto GP bits of information. Also hits from people searching for Flight of the Conchords. IT'S BUSINESS TIME.

Finally, Eminem and Britney Spears get quite a few. Sadly enough.

I should have ended this blog with the link from the FOX chick.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

2008 MotoGP! Round One: Qatar

Casey Stoner is back. After one of the most exciting starts I've seen, Stoner settled in at the top of the heap after the first several laps and remained there the rest of the way. Danny Pedrosa shot up from 8th position to first out of the gate in an unreal start, with Valentino Rossi overtaking him for a short time before Stoner decided it was time to slap everyone around again.

Cool video shot of Qatar. This is only the third night race in GP history...

It's going to be another long season if no one can give Stoner some competition. The Australian is in a league of his own.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Let's get Serious...

I hate to see this blog move away from its normal hard-hitting social commentary, hilarious anectdotes, MotoGP action, or the blog owner's elevated sense of self-worth, but there's something eating at me today.

Have you ever known a couple (man and woman), and thought "Wow! How did he land her?!" We've all either known, or seen people like that...Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie, Barney and Betty Rubble...the list is virtually endless.

I refer to Kip and Anna. You probably don't know them. I do. Their marriage is in the archives, it's outta there, another statistic, so to speak. Old news. That said, I was speaking with a friend of mine (Hi Buddy), and had been running down a list of people and seeing how life was for them. It's a common tactic used to stimulate discussion, employed primarily by people who use the results of the aforementioned tactic as fodder of some sort.

Where the hell was I...oh yeah. I have gone a couple years operating under the assumption that Anna ditched Kip because it was beyond obvious that she was way out of his league. I knew Anna better than Kip, but it was quite clear that she was smokin' hot, classy, funny, and this guy just seemed like the textbook definition of "D-Bag".

Buddy informed me that, in fact, Kip left her. Kip apparently also had a hard time keeping it in his pants. This is funny to me, because not only could he score Anna, but apparently others, as well. If there is anyone on the planet that needs to have his man-parts sliced off, it's Kip.

To be fair, Kip wore glasses, and perhaps never really saw Anna up close, or in focus.

Moral of the story: don't screw up a good thing.

Anna, sorry the marriage did not work, but feel good knowing that you can pretty much pick anyone you like.

Kip, have fun waking up knowing that you pissed away a class act, so you could knock up random strangers and provide a shining example to your illegitimate children.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Pop Culture Idiot

My good friend and mentor, Jason, has an excellent blog right here. When I say good friend and mentor, that is to say I read his blog regularly and will sometimes leave a comment.

I know a couple of you here also read his blog, and if you are like me, there is a disturbing trend.

Please click on the graph. This graph indicates Jason's blogging history. How do I know? Well, the handy sidebar tells me. It also tells me that at this rate, he'll be out of the blogging business by spring of 2009.
Jason, this is one man's plea for you to keep hittin' the keyboard. I need something to read when I am bored at work.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Eminem Exclusive

The "rapper" known as Eminem is coming out with his memoirs this fall, to the delight of angst-filled suburban white kids everywhere. In a recent news article, it says that it will "feature journal notes, hand-drawn art, and lyric sketches as well as a narrative and introduction written by the 'Lose Yourself' hitmaker himself."

Here at SBG, I obtained exclusive excerpts. A photo of a couple drawings (seen above), as well as a lyric sketch. No exclusive is complete, however, without some of the actual writing.

About life in the city:

"'Tis the concrete jungle where I stalketh my prey. Living such as this is folly for many a man, but for this man, I see truth. That truth is divine, and thou shalt honor it, and not engage in dissing. What is the truth, you may asketh yourself. The truth is that it is now that I will tap your mother from the back."

On his strained relationship with his mother:

"Wondrous years past, she and I would walk hand in hand through the park. She would smile down at me, yet I always knew that she was a little distant, perhaps slightly sad. Our situation was difficult to say the least. We were middle class, and it can be very tough being middle class when you live in Missouri as a young boy. Most folks from Missouri are lucky to be bottom-of-the-barrell class, so we were looked at with some disdain by those around us who couldn't buy pop-tarts. That, and my dad left us when I was a baby.

Perhaps that, along with the fact that even as a 6 year old, I felt it was my duty to inform her that she is a dirty, stupid bitch."

On fame:

"I am from the streets, my dear readers, and I will always be from the street. In fact, my mansion is approximately 200 yards from a street. I take the street when my driver has to transport me to the manicure shop. Also, a couple years ago, I threw out some trash onto the street from my Lamborghini. The streets are a dirty place, and I keep it real."

Shown here are lyric sketches that exhibit the true genius that is Eminem.
When these memoirs are released, I suggest you pick them up as soon as humanly possible. The riveting life story of one idiot's path to success has got to be better than some other garbage you've been reading.
Lastly, thanks to Eminem for providing us with someone to thank for their amazing contributions towards profanity and ignorance. And for looking like such a wuss.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Flight of the Conchords

Pictured to the left (in an image that I blatantly stole from the internet) are Bret and Jemaine, who are a 2 man band out of New Zealand. This show is on HBO, and is getting ready to get a second season out.


So, now that you have it, watch all 12 episodes in a row. It's 6 hours total...half hour episodes. I'll be right here...let me know when you are done.

While I am waiting, I cannot stress enough how amazingly hilarious this show is. It's almost hard to describe, and do it justice. The subtle humor, the songs, and the show's two "heroes" are simply top notch. That's why you just have to go out and get it.

My wife and I watched the entire season over the weekend, and these two have apparently been at it for years. No one informed me, which is in itself ludicrous. I should have been informed much sooner.

YouTube has a lot of good clips of these guys, like the one below...enjoy!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

LOI Day! And Stuff...

It's letter of intent day for college football. And when I talk about college football, only one team matters. Nebraska! You can follow along with all the fun here.

I think going overboard with the recruiting hype is a part of the problem, but it is exciting to see what kind of players we will be getting. The only thing that makes me wince is when grown men refer to these athletes coming out of high school as "studs". Let's keep the mancrushes to a minimum.

Bo Pelini and staff look to be headed towards a solid class after a shaky December. In other news, the reserved tickets for the Spring game are already sold out. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!! Looks like it's general admission for me. Regardless, it'll be fun, I'm sure.

The Writer's strike should be over here very soon. Thank God. I cannot tell you how depressing
TV is with it's "reality" programming. I will hand it to American Idol, though. The auditions have been pretty hilarious. Just please bring back Earl, The Office, Heroes, and Chuck.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Giants Win Over the New England Patriots!

Like 732 million other people, I tuned in to watch the New York Giants win the Super Bowl over the New England Patriots. To be more specific, I tuned in for the last 9 minutes of the 4th quarter. I will say that the most boring form of football ever (NFL) actually got me energized when the Giants came back and scored on the Pats. Congrats to the Giants.

Friday, January 25, 2008

EXCELLENT Brew, Britney Spears' Accent

Beer is excellent. No, really. I love beer. And short sentences.

First, the disclaimer: I am not a big drinker. A six-pack can last me a month. I do, however, enjoy trying out different beers, and I tried Bass Pale Ale recently and it is phenomenal.

I know, you are probably saying "Hey dipshit, that beer has been around since the Pyramids were built." I know, I know. Cut me some slack, at a six-pack per month, I don't roll through too many brands.

Anyway, my wife and I were at Old Chicago pizza, and I saw it on the menu, along with approximately 941 other beers, and just randomly picked it. Draft. I would most certainly suggest this beer to anyone...the everyday Joe all the way to the lonely, on the brink of suicide alcoholic.

Try it!

What the hell is the deal. I am not talking about the crazed umbrella incident, as that happened a while back. Has anyone seen her lately? She is speaking with a BRITISH ACCENT. I swear some people really need to get back inside the trailer, and not come out until they come to terms with their white-trashness.

Let's see here...

1.) Don't care about kids. Check
2.) Speaking in a fake accent. Check
3.) Completely batshit crazy. Check

I guess Britney Spears has a pretty full life. Good for her! I wonder what kind of beer she drinks?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Dear Coach...

Hang on a second...I will be right with you...

Ok, sorry about that. Hi! It's really cold here in Iowa lately. It's roughly 300 degrees below zero. I have a friend in the Miami area who I would like to punch squarely in the teeth for rubbing in his 75 degree weather.

Let's talk sunglasses and stocking caps for a minute. Take a look at this...

As I ad-lib here on the internet, I have a hard time responding to this at all. If you are a coach, and some rando is e-mailing you wanting you to stay at your job, do you really put any credence to that?

Dear Coach Watson,

Hi there! I am an anonymous message board poster, but don't kid yourself. I know what's best for you and your family. You are needed at Nebraska!! Please oh Holy Lord stay and help us out next year. Pwetty Pwease!?



Look, psychos, please stop. Check out this recent article...

"I get a lot of messages from fans," NU recruit Will Compton said, "and I just try not to pay attention to them all, because everyone is so biased and just wants me to play for their school. Everyone just tells you what they think you want to hear, but nobody really knows your situation."

About every fourth message on Compton's Facebook wall is from a fan of a school recruiting him, and some of them aren't very nice. One message on Compton's MySpace page showed a doctored picture of him and former NU commitment Blaine Gabbert hanging out at a bar with former NU coach Bill Callahan. Gabbert and Compton are friends in real life.
Beneath the picture was the word "TOOL" in all caps, and the caption underneath read, "When you have no imagination or style, just follow your friends."

Classy! Anyways, Compton's got the right approach. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go start an internet group on "Persuading Internet Idiots To Take Cyanide".

Monday, January 21, 2008

MotoGP in 2008, Continued Blog Neglect

Well, I've had it. I am crossing the picket lines and am resuming more regular blog updates. I have, and still support the WGA, but I have thousands of readers (thousands meaning approximately 3 or 4) that deserve better.

With that, I'd like to bore everyone to tears.

Indianapolis, here I come!! MotoGP rolls into Indy for the first time this year, and I will be there, beer in hand. Here is the 2008 schedule/rider list.

2/17/2008: Jerez - MotoGP Official Test
3/9/2008: Losail Circuit (Qatar)
3/30/2008: Jerez
4/13/2008: Estoril
5/4/2008: Shanghai Circuit
5/18/2008: Le Mans
6/1/2008: Mugello
6/8/2008: Cicuit de Catalunya
6/22/2008: Donington Park
6/28/2008: Assen
7/13/2008: Sachsenring
7/20/2008: Laguna Seca
8/17/2008: Automotodrom Brno (Czech)
8/31/2008: Misano
9/14/2008: Indianapolis
9/28/2008: Motegi
10/5/2008: Phillip Island
10/19/2008: Sepang Circuit
10/26/2008: Comunitat Valenciana

Casey Stoner - 1 - Australia
Alex De Angelis - 3 - RSM
Andrea Dovizioso - 4 - Italy
Colin Edwards - 5 - USA
Chris Vermeulen - 7 - Australia
Anthony West - 13 - Australia
Randy De Puniet - 14 - France
John Hopkins - 21 - USA
Tony Elias - 24 - Spain
Dani Pedrosa - 26 - Spain
Marco Melandri - 33 - Italy
Valentino Rossi - 46 - Italy
Jorge Lorenzo - 48 - Spain
Sylvain Guintoli - 50 - France
James Toseland - 52 - Great Britain
Shinya Nakano - 56 - Japan
Loris Capirossi - 65 - Italy
Nicky Hayden - 69 - USA