Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Cotton Bowl

It's Nebraska versus Auburn! To most people in the United States, it's a "Who Gives A Shit" bowl game. To fans of the two programs, and several intermittent casual observers, this could shape up to be a good game.

Just to fans? Are there no ramifications, win or lose?

Good question, Ron. There are no championship ramifications. There are, however ramifications of perception.

If you were to read Huskerpedia, and saw this thread that I have linked right here in this oddly-colored text, you would see a thread that is a debate on whether "must win" games actually even exist. The apologists are out in full force with sarcasm. For example, the blithering idiot, HuskerNCorpus, says "Looking at the 2007 schedule, I think it's clear we have 14 must-win games (including the Big12 CG and the bowl game). If we lose one of those "must-win" games, something seriously catastrophic will happen to the program. 2008...I haven't seen the entire schedule, but you can bet on NU having at least 13 must-win games."

HnC, stop baiting people and open your eyes. On various boards, you see, prior to each game, excuses being formed before the first snap. Then when it is noticed, the irritating game of semantics begins. Here is the bottom line. Every game needs to be looked at as a "must win" game. We are the Cornhuskers, for crying out loud, not Iowa State, Kansas, or Colorado. Parity is a bullshit excuse, as well. It is irrelevant when it comes to our expectations. When we start talking about acceptable losses, losing becomes acceptable. Every time the World's Most Ignorant Man, Jim Rose, talks about what awesome losses we have, he needs his teeth kicked in.

This is not to say that their is to be rioting, raping, and pillaging after a loss. Far from it. We need to learn from it, and move on. Losing is not an option. Will it happen? Yes. But the philosophy of winning has apparently become dumbed down by the same people who wanted Solich burnt alive, while his family was executed.

Solich had to go, so we could continue/rebuild to dominance. There is no such thing as "restoring the order" when you start talking about which losses are ok, and which losses aren't. I call that continuing the Solich order.

In the Cotton Bowl, fans are apparently showing their distaste for losing. $10 a ticket. Are you kidding me? They'll be giving them away at Jack in the Box pretty soon to every third customer.

Stop with the stupid excuses, realize that we demand a winning program, and watch the program deliver that. When your expectations are set high, great programs deliver high results. When your expectations revolve around excuses, apologists, and overall douche-baggery, then you get failure.


Rocky Balboa

30 years later, Sylvester Stallone is releasing a Rocky movie. I was a little apprehensive at first, considering what happened in the 5th installment. However, that was a long time ago, and I was willing to wipe the slate clean. After all, the Rocky movies before this were like a dentist survey.

I saw a trailer for it quite some time ago, and it actually looked pretty good! I was excited for a Rocky movie!

About a week before the release, I started seeing some reviews for the film. Mostly positive!? Now I was really jazzed. Could this be the movie that wraps up the story with some dignity?

I resisted the urge to have a Rocky marathon before heading to the theater. I only own 1 through 4. In the world I live in, Stallone was kidnapped by North Korea and forced to make Rocky 5. I did, however, watch The Office. Completely unrelated, sure, but the Christmas episode was a riot.

My duaghter and I headed out to the movie for the biggest dice-roll movie I have gone to in a long time. I generally have a gut feeling on whether or not a movie will suck completely, or be great, or just plain good. I had no real feel for this one. My daughter was very excited. She is a big Rocky fan.

The theater was pretty packed, considering it shows 793 different movies. We got a large popcorn with butter, a bottle of water for her, and a large Mr. Pibb for me. I smuggled in some plain M & M's, which is the usual M.O. I can't have popcorn without chocolate. It's really the only personality quirk I have, besides schizophrenia. And a third arm growing out of the middle of my back...don't get me started.

SPOILER ALERT! Do not read further if you do not want to hear about Rocky Balboa, the movie.

I am not going to do a scene by scene breakdown, but I will say that Stallone pulled it off in a big way. For someone who physically was not in the movie, Adrian was a huge part of the movie. She dies of cancer, and Rocky is left in Philly running an Italian joint called Adrian's. I like that it wasn't some big chain-like place, but a quaint little joint where you can get your arteries clogged with some good food.

Rocky's son works in the corporate world, and is trying to get out of his dad's shadow. Their relationship isn't strained really, but Rocky Jr. is sure making it that way.

Long story short, ESPN does a computer simulation that pits current champ Mason Dixon, believably played by Antonio Tarver (he probably didn't have to research the role much), against Rocky. Rocky wins by knockout. Dixon is seen as a guy who is the champ of crap, really, as the heavyweight division is a joke, and he is the champ of a joke division, with no real competition.

Rocky catches wind and decides he wants to fight again...nothing bug, just some small club fights. Dixon's camp hears Rocky was granted a lisence to fight, and go after Rocky in an effort to provide the champ with some validity. Rocky accepts. Rocky fights Dixon. I won't spoil the ending of the fight in case you have not seen it.

The champ and Rocky come out looking great, and Rocky quenches his thirst for fighting again. Next stop: Rambo.

That's just a high-level overview of the movie. The movie's character interaction was so much better than I anticipated. I've seen some critics slam Stallone for being self-indulgent here, or having Rocky's life mirror his own. So what? Rocky wanted another chance to comeback, and so does Stallone. The ones who think he should remain in the video rental bargain bin are the ones who are maybe a bit more self-obsessed here.

There are some other people who were slamming the use of previous footage in the form of flashbacks. After such a long time between movies, it may not hurt to use those to clue people in. I saw nothing wrong with it or thought it was overdone.

Rocky's relationship with his son and Marie, the young girl from the first movie, was all good stuff. In fact, it was, to me, the best part of the movie. Unless you are a heartless jerk, you can't help but root for Rocky again. I saw it twice.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Odd Ramblings

I have Not finished reading this book yet, but about half-way through, I can say it is an excellent read. I read 90 pages in one sitting. Form me to keep my attention that long is unheard of.
Gaiman mixes creepy and humor better than anyone I've read, with compelling characters and hilarious dialogue. Pick up this book! I also suggest Neverwhere and American Gods by the same author. Very good books.
Nebraska faces Auburn in the Cotton Bowl. I look forward to this game. Auburn has a good program, and their name doesn't start with "Notre" and end with "Dame". I had a 6 or 7 page dissertation of the Big 12 championship game ready to go, and I apparently closed the window on accident and didn't save any work. That was a fun, profanity-laden moment. In a nutshell, I was disappointed in the outcome, and am hoping the time off will be useful for the team. Everyone and their mom seems to be picking Auburn, with a few exceptions. I haven't watched Auburn play, so I reserve any predictions for those who think they are experts.
Travelling for the holidays? Me, too. Hope everyone enjoys their holiday season!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Old News is Good News

Zac Taylor receives quite the honor in the Big 12 Offensive Player of the Year. The guy is totally awesome, and if he pursues the NFL, I will be rooting for whatever team he ends up with. Zac is the quintessential leader, and he's tough as nails.

I am excited to see what Callahan has in mind for the QB spot next year. Zac has obviously been critical to the success of the team, and I hope a guy like Ganz or Keller can step in with a smooth transition.

Oklahoma is on the horizon, and it seems like NU, according to the media, is quite the underdog. I think we can pull this one off. Coach Callahan and the team are having a great season, and I hope Zac's last two games are W's.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Larry King Style Ramblings

  • I love this holiday. Eating your ass off is an expectation. I'm comfortable with that.
  • The Huskers get to spank the crap out of the Colorado Buffaloes tomorrow. Huskers by a minimum of 2 TD's.
  • Borat. I saw it and enjoyed it very much. I didn't laugh at some of the spots that some people seemed to be urinating in their chairs over, but the movie was seriously freakin' funny.
  • It's 10:36 as I type this and just remembered I have to take out the garbage. Duh.
  • Former Russian spy gets poisoned!! Zzzzz.
  • I heard the new Bond flick was very awesome. I plan on checking that out this weekend.
  • My iPod is finally full. OF SHIT. I keep maybe the same 200 songs on it, and am constantly changing the rest. Since my wife got her own, I was able to remove the chick music, though. That's a plus.
  • MotoGP never sleeps! Next season sees the 800cc bikes take the stage, and the tests seem to be going well, with some times surpassing the old bikes! I hate waiting.
  • At the beginning of the season, I said the Huskers would lose 3 games. STAY ON IT, fellas.
  • I saw the new Fergie video today. :::cue Cineporn music here:::
  • Bush pardoned two turkeys! No, not Cheney and Rumsfeld.
  • Gears of War for the xbox 360 rules all that there is to rule.
  • I'm out, this garbage thing is makin' my eye twitch.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Sports Predictions

You know, I think I am the only person on the planet who thinks that making sports predictions is a waste of time.

"But it's fun, dillrod!" you might say. To that I can agree to an extent. It can be fun when done with the right spirit intended. What cracks me up is the "ridicule factor".

For example, Nebraska plays Texas A & M this weekend IN Texas. My brother predicts A & M to roll over the Huskers. Others predict a Husker blowout. Many are predicting a close game.

Back to the ridicule factor. Unless you have been 100% correct in every prediction you've ever made, let's give the hypocrisy a break. Who really thought Rutgers would have the success they are seeing this season?

Sports should be about fun, entertainment, and *gasp* sportsmanship. When people take it so seriously that it negatively impacts others within their sphere of influence, then it speaks volume about that individual. Look at the recent Ohio State video of fans acting like idiots. Look at the Michigan fans throwing crap onto the field, hitting prospective recruits.

We've all done it at some point, and a lot of us look at our actions after the fact and realize that maybe we acted like an ass. I've done it and admit it. But when you see a video, like the one linked above, that should really make any overzealous fan stop and think for a second.

Have a safe weekend, and GO HUSKERS!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Buddy Cole: Patriot

Thanks for stopping by, let me finish up over here.

Ok, I'm all done. So Buddy Cole responded to my disgust-filled diatribe about the elections. The response had some very interesting points, so let's engage in a little call and response. Buddy's comments are in bold.

I agree with you on the negative ads. They are almost as annoying as fundraising time on NPR.

Or worse, the whispering they do on NPR. Can you imagine how lame a company party is at the studios there. "All Things Considered" my a$$.

I think a Democratic congress is a very good thing for us right now. This is an embattled president with six years of no oversight and it is time for some accountability.

Agreed about the accountability. However, a Congress led by either party will still engage in partisan politics.

I also believe that you have to take a little closer look at many of the democratic winners. The vast majority of change is coming from a conservative democratic base closer to the middle showing that perhaps we are not as divided as many in the media and the extremists would have us believe. I think the base of both parties wants a more central approach to governing while being allowed to differ on key ideals.

What the base of both parties want, and what the senior leadership in Washington deliver are two different things. You get career whack-jobs like Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry, and Howard "The Scream" Dean forcing their influence on the more moderate elected Reps/Senators, it won't take long for a few things to happen:

1.) The newly elected Democrats will fall in line with the old guard of insane partisan hacks.
2.) They will be one-term and out, because of their frustration in not being able to exact any real change.
3.) We will be able to thaw out Walt Disney!

I personally hope for number 3.

But I must say that on the whole we are not a divided nation. You can't take one part of our dynamic, such as politics, and come to the overwhelming all encompassing conclusion that this represents the true essence of America. State hundreds of conflicts within this country and without fail you will see at the core of every fight is our right to free speech. Show me division and I will show you the foundation of freedom upon which division proudly stands.

I agree with you. Allow me to clarify my stance: our politicians are most certainly divided, our press is certainly divided, and the biggest problem that presents is the influence it has on the people who are easily swayed. Politicians and "journalists" both are so far entrenched in their own agenda to realize that the division you speak of actually has hurt our country, and opens us up as a laughing stock to the international community.

So don't be disheartened because we are fighting. Rather, be emboldened that we care enough to fight because when we fight we so often get it right.

Is this a Springsteen lyric or something? Bonus points for using the word "emboldened". I feel like I need to donate money to a cause now. :)

Don't be distracted by the small minded extremists who prostitute their rights as a means of self promotion. Rather, look to the higher calling that speaks to the balanced soul.

This is more like a Neil Young lyric.

Don't be convinced by the talking heads on your television. Rather, be inspired by the daily affirmations we witness in the hearts of our family, our friends, and our neighbors.

Cheeseball as it sounds, I love the last sentence there. The only problem with that, is most people do not do this, they are too busy buying into the division our politicians and media create.

America is not found in the headlines. America is found in the faces of the people and those people live and love and fight and win and lose together.

God Bless America.

Buddy Cole for President!!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Democrats Win!!


Who gives a rip. I mean, really. Between the democommies and the republican'ts, this country has such extreme levels of corruption, that it makes Antarctica look enticing.

The victory comes as no surprise, with the recent scandals, Iraq, and the fact that the Republican-led Congress has been the most do-nothing Congress in ages. The Republicans had zero chance in this election, and I think that is pretty evident to anyone who even watched the news once a month for the past two years.

Speaking of the news, it is more than sickening to watch Katie Couric get her chair all wet last night with the results coming in. I really felt like some soft saxophone/Cinemax After Dark type music would come on and Katie would start pleasuring herself. Can our news people at least PRETEND to be impartial?

Stuff that makes our country look stupid (believe me, this isn't even close to an all-inclusive list)...

1.) Negative campaign advertisements. Who should buy into these ads? Family, friends, or staff of the candidate, otherwise these ads are nothing but crap. I do not care about what the other candidate has done, or will/will not do, I want to know about what YOU will do.
2.) Vague plans. "I have a plan". I heard that exact sentence there, and that's where the commercial stopped on one person campaigning for some random meaningless seat. What is the plan? Guess what, I also have a plan. My plan is to note vote for you.
3.) Spin. Spin never ends in politics. Today, you had Democratic leaders promising a bipartisan approach to government. HUH? I'd rather not even hear that promise, and would rather just see it. At this point, when any politician says anything, it's a safe bet that what you are hearing is spin/damage control.
4.) Meet the Press. Will Russert please grow a pair? Everytime the guy asks a pointed question, he never gets a direct answer. EVER.

Tim Russert: Thanks for joining us, Congressman Rando. How are you doing?

Congressman Rando: Tim, there's more to this than people realize, when we take a look at the :::insert party name here::: policy, we are going to find that the :::insert other party name here::: are way behind the curve on this issue, and are trying to scare voters.

So what will it take to bring this divided nation back together? First of all, it'll never stay "together". Ever since our nation was founded, politics have been an ugly affair. But 9/11 brought about a couple days worth of unity. The only other thing that could bring about a more lasting positive relationship will be a huge disaster on our shores. No one wants a disaster, so here we sit in the playground of fools. The "beauty" of it? We keep electing them.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Husker Fans On The Internet

Greetings lurkers!

You know, it's no secret for regular readers that I've used some of this space to take many easy pot-shots at a select group of individuals. These pot-shots were more than easy, considering the audience. Lately, however, when I read some of the crap on various Husker boards, it is just plain disheartening.

Let's break it down...

1.) Fans who constantly criticize caoches.
2.) Fans who constantly criticize players.
3.) Fans who constantly, and quite blindly, defend coaches.
4.) Fans who constantly, and quite blindly, defend players.

That is an extremely broad-brush generalization. Some people criticize in a fair manner, others do not. Some people defend in a fair manner, while others don't. If you have spent any time at or, you'll see the constant barrage of actual hate. You can read it in the comments of this very blog with guys like Husker1911 wishing death upon my wife and daughter, or him stalking the admin of bighuskerfan, as well as anyone else who doesn't agree with his stance. There are numerous others who do the exact same thing.

At first, it was highly entertaining to watch these guys get riled up, because it is so easy to do. Nothing is more predictable than their reactions week to week regardless of a Husker victory or loss.

Loss = That win wasn't necessary/our players suck and our coaching schemes were superb.

It's as if they are on a constant lobbying effort for free tickets or jobs at the University.

Anyways, it's just getting old. The whole thing loses its steam when I get continued threats. What spurred this is a recent comment I did not publish that mentioned my home address, and my wife's workplace.

So enjoy your hate-filled diatribes, your internet stalking, and your superiority complexes. It's crossed a line into actual threats. Forget just the personal information, that part is not a big deal in and of itself, we've gone into territory that is ridiculous.

This blog will continue on, and I will have future point/counter-points, Husker thoughts, MotoGP, and other random crap. I'm just tired of dealing with guys like Husker1911, who would love to see my wife and daughter dead.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Hayden Takes Crown, Huskers Go Down

WOW. That sums up the 2006 MotoGP season for me.

Two weeks ago, Dani Pedrosa slid into his Repsol Honda teammate Nicky Hayden, taking them both out of that race, and taking Hayden out of the lead in the championship point standing. This all but paved the way for Valentino Rossi to win his 832nd championship in a row. Rossi is arguably the best rider in the world. Dani Pedrosa had a tall order ahead of him. Early in the race, Pedrosa was one place ahead of Hayden, went wide on a turn, and signaled Nicky ahead of him. Pedrosa then kept the competition away from Hayden the rest of the race. Hayden places 3rd, giving him enough points to regain the points needed to win the 2006 World Championship.

What about Rossi? He had the pole position. Good question. Rossi wiped out early, but sprung up, took the bike back on the track, and FINISHED THE RACE. Noble effort by Rossi.

This was an exciting season, to be sure, and my first season following this sport. I eagerly await March, when the 2007 season rolls out in Qatar.

This pic says it all…Rossi congratulating Hayden after the race.

The Huskers. Where to begin? Well, after the choke job to Oklahoma State, Missouri is up next. All I can really say is that 4 full quarters of ball need to be played, and we can’t play with complacency. The only hilarity is watching the Nazi board blow up at each other. “Don’t get cute with me.”

Monday, October 23, 2006

Huskers, MotoGP

The Huskers lose a heartbreaker in Lincoln to the 5th ranked Texas Longhorns. I really thought this game was in the bag until the Nunn turnover. I can't blame Nunn at all. It was a solid hit, and it changed the football game. It happens, and I think that the players and coaches have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It was a great effort against a great team, and hopefully we will get a rematch in the conference championship.

Nicky Hayden and Dani Pedrosa have a tall order ahead of them in this weekend's final race in Valencia. Being teammates for Respol Honda, they encountered quite a bit of controversy when Pedrosa slid into Hayden on lap 5 in Portugal last week. That wreck took both out of the race, and sent Valentino Rossi ahead of Hayden in the points standing for this year's championship. The stars need to align for Nicky to take his first championship. The sad thing: it's the last race of the year.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Network TV Sucks

I'm taking time out of my schedule today to discuss network TV with you. Feel lucky, my friends, as I was very busy planning to launch a nuke of my own.



Whatever. Anyways, why does network TV suck so bad? Cable, as a whole, has been able to carve out a niche for itself in lots of different ways. What has network TV carved?

1.) CSI series representing the 328 most populous cities in America. CSI: Flint is particularly gritty, but come on people.
2.) Outdated network news format. Katie Couric, yay! Really, who cares? I can get news at any moment off of CNN or Foxnews and get a healthy dose of biased news from both sides of the aisle.
3.) Reality shows. I've travelled down this road before. They aren't "real", and they are an absolute abomination. Survivor? It has to resort to racism for ratings. Big Brother? The chick factor is the only redeeming factor. The Amazing it still on? If I want reality television, I will turn it off and stare at it.
4.) Medical dramas. House? "Hi, I yell at patients violently, and am an emotional loose cannon". I know I like all my medical professionals to be teetering on the verge of wiping out an entire shopping mall with a chain gun. ER? John Stamos. Really?
5.) Jay Leno. "Nuff said.

What IS good about network TV?

1.) Heroes. An original drama, with a non-cheesy take on people with "powers". Like a great (cable) show, Battlestar Galactica, Heroes is in a genre that is historically dorky, and making it extremely watchable to fans of said genre, as well as the mainstream. Nicely done. I wonder how long it takes for some network suit to come in and push ideas that his 15 year old LSD-induced son brings to him.
2.) The Office. I know, there's a BBC version. I've never seen it, and will not judge it until I have. I have, however, seen every episode of the American version on NBC. It's easily the funniest show on right now. It's laugh out loud funny, and that is rare when you can't turn the channel without catching CSI: Modesto. The casting is perfect, and I am hoping it stays on TV for years to come.
3.) Lost. I've never seen it. I defer to my friends and wife on this one. We own season one and my friend Ryan owns season two, so I may need to catch up.
4.) Letterman and Conan. Again, 'nuff said.

What is "okay" but could be better?

Sports coverage. It is shoddy, at best, and with commercial breaks every 18 seconds, it really makes me love my DVR. Next blog: why cable is better! Be on the lookout for this in the next 10-12 weeks.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


College Football Replay Official vs. a Tivo

Ryan: There’s nothing quite like the thrill of having about 20 seconds to decide if some muscle-bound behemoth’s knee touched the ground before the ball crossed the line when they are traveling at the speed of light. Top that off with about 75,000 fans who will want to rape your wife and kill your first-born child if you get it wrong. My favorite part is that I don’t even get the feed that you people at home get…no, I get the feed off a jury-rigged Beta-max VCR that’s still-frame setting is so jumpy the players on the screen get a workout every time I hit pause. Every time I see some jackass talking about how great his DVR or Tivo is when watching football highlights I just want to shake him violently. Yeah…nothing like having to spend every waking moment worried that some crazed Oklahoma fan will jump out from around the corner and decapitate me to the tune of “Boomer Sooner”. But hey, the important thing is that I get the call right. Now excuse me while talk to my personal security chief…my daughter is having a birthday party and we have to install the metal detectors.

Steve (Tivo): With Tivo, at least this puts us, the fans, in a position to note how completely inept the officials really are. How bad do you have to be at your job if you can’t notice whether or not some muscle-bound behemoth’s knee touched the ground before the ball crossed the line when they are traveling at the speed of light? If I got paid to be an official, I’d have my Bluetooth on the whole time and have someone with Tivo on the line the whole time. The last thing I want is to have my wife raped and a dead kid on my hands. Not to mention the fact that it’s not 1973 anymore, how hard can it be to get that down to the field? When Brent Musberger can tell if a play was called incorrectly, how drunk are the officials? Brent can’t call a game without a bottle of Jack at his side. Jesus.

Lindsay Lohan vs. A quiet night at home

Ryan: Hey, Lindsay. This is your couch speaking. I know it’s been awhile since you’ve been here without some naked star-struck male model snorting a line of coke off your ass, but I feel the need to ask…when are you going to come home and spend a quiet night at home watching network TV and eating ice cream? God knows, your body needs some saturated fat to get you back to your “Mean Girls” public image peak. How many nights are you going to leave your 5,000 square foot home empty so you can bar-hop Hollywood’s finest clubs and sample the finest designer drugs while drinking yourself silly? I mean, if you aren’t careful, you are going to end up like Meg Ryan. So please, come home, put on some sweat pants, grab some chips and ice cream, and curl up on the couch. No booze, no drugs, and no men. And let’s try something new…let’s try setting your alarm clock, getting a good night’s sleep, and try to be on time for work tomorrow, or at least showing up for a few minutes. I’ll make an appointment with the butler to arrange to have your alarm clock set and your sheets turned back. I know it’s been awhile since you slept at home, so we’ll leave some post-it notes with arrows so you can follow them back to your room in case you forgot where it is.

Steve (Lindsay): I just got off the phone with Lindsay and will represent her, as she is quite busy right now prepping for a bukkake. I’m not sure Lindsay’s couch wants Lindsay to be sitting on it. I mean, take it from 9,385 customers. Also, take it from her Gynecologist. I hear she and Paris Hilton see the same one. Anyway, the appeal of sitting at home versus puking up Jello shots all night, well, you’ve gotta live, man. I mean, thin is in. You can’t remain nearly skeletal while you sit on your ass all night watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Lindsay is young, there will plenty of time to sit on the couch after multiple suicide attempts, sex tape scandals, and the AIDS. To quote Lindsay: “I was..but umm…hee hee, umm, I think…that guy is hot, wonder if he’s got any blow.”

Paris Hilton vs. A Gynecologist

Ryan: My god…what have you done to this poor thing? The damage…the carnage…the complete disregard for hygiene…you’d think this was used for a mosh pit at a Metallica concert or something. Don’t you have any respect for your body, or at the very least, respect for the elasticity of your vagina? I mean, it’s flexible, but you can’t just cram an object of any diameter in there…sorry, big word. Diameter…um, you can’t just cram every black guy you see in there. You need to work in some small ones too. But, preferably, you’d rest it for 12-24 hours between poundings.

Also, condoms can prevent STD’s…not just pregnancy. I don’t know if there’s any hope here, but I’ll do my best. Ok, now let me just get my safety cable, headlamp, and rappelling equipment and I’ll be ready to get started.

Steve (Paris): Hi. I’m Paris Hilton’s vagina. Allow me to step in here. Mr. Gyno-man, you may be concerned, but this is not your average axe-wound. I am a super-twat. Much like a boxer, I am used to taking a beating and coming back for more. You can’t be famous like me without working your way to the top. After a recent quadruple fisting, I was starting to think “is this all life has to offer?” After some reflection, I knew there was more to life. Ten, maybe twelve fists, for example. There are new heights to be reached, and my goals are lofty. Besides, you aren’t the first person to break out the safety cable. There are entire rescue teams down here looking for some homeless people. If you find a 1967 Mercury Cougar in here, let me know, please.

George Clooney for President vs. Oprah Winfrey for President

Ryan: First off, we have something for all you registered voters that came out today…that’s right!! Everyone in the audience who registers as a Democrat is going to get a GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL!! Yaayyyyy!!! Up next, we will be going to voters’ homes and surprising them with a camera and a bunch of bribes to up my public image!! Yaaaayyyyyyy!!! Also, did you notice that I am a black woman? Take that Condolezza Rice…you are the most powerful female political force on Earth, and I still have more power in my pudgy little digit than you do in your whole body. When is the last time you had a ravenous crowd clamoring for your choice of Book of the Month, or Recipe of the Month, or just to get a $4 toaster. In fact, I want Bush!! Bring him in here right now, and we’ll see if he can survive one hour of my show. It’s Oprah Time!!!

Steve (Clooney): I’ll be speaking for George, as he had some bukkake to go to…

George Clooney would win this in a landslide. Is it because he is smarter than Oprah? No. But every straight woman in America needs to ask themselves, “Who do you want to look at for the next 4-8 years?” Let’s see we’ve got two choices.

1.) George Clooney

2.) An ever-ballooning Oprah surrounded by Secret Service and various other handlers

I think the choice is clear. Clooney gets the desperate straight female vote, and the straight male vote as well. No straight man watches Oprah. If they do, they were forced to do so, or they are entrenched in the closet. Clooney is cool. He dates hot actresses, and always gets the girl. This election comes down to straight people versus gay people. This is not to bash homosexuals at all, it’s just that there are much better gay candidates out there…you have Ellen, Andy Dick, Hillary Clinton, and Howard Dean.

Mel Gibson is an anti-semite vs. Mel Gibson is a post-apocalyptic warrior, a Scottish revolutionary, and a Colonel in the American Revolutionary Army.

Ryan: Hi there. Mel Gibson here. Did you know that the website that this appears on is controlled by Jews? Seriously. This “Steve” guy? Big Jew. He’s the reason why the Huskers lose any game as near as I can tell. Typical Jew. I have been in many movies that you know and love, and you know what? Not one of them written or directed by a Jew. Not one. Nope…no Spielberg movies in my future. I know, I’m taking some bad press for hating Jews. So, as a change of pace, I think I’m going to hype my new movie “Apocalypto” by attacking the US Government…yeah, a little different I know as the Anti-Semitic theme for “The Passion of the Christ” was huge for it’s success, but I feel it’s time to broaden my horizons so this movie will focus on how the Jews killed the Native Americans instead of just how they killed our Lord and Savior. It doesn’t have much to do with the US Government, but I am attacking them since they the whole establishment is run by Jews. You didn’t know that? To raise awareness, I am releasing new versions of my best Mad Max I am fighting for my life in a post-apocalyptic nightmare world…run by Jews. In Braveheart, William Wallace is fighting for the independence of Scotland from their Jew oppressors, and in the “Patriot” I now kill those dirty Red Jew-Coats and stack them ten-high in an 8 hour marathon “director’s cut”. Did I mention I am batshit insane?

Steve (other Mel): I have a dog that I share cans of dog food with. I wear a kilt, and am a patriotic Australian playing an American Colonel. What’s not to love here? It’s evident that I am not a J…um, that I am an accomplished actor and good person, unlike the freakin’ J….the freakin’ j-j-JELLO eaters. Ah screw it, where’s Murtaugh?

Pope vs. Muslims

Steve (Pope): After having lunch with the Pope yesterday, it was amusing to see how this guy’s mind works. He knew just by mentioning Mohammed, that he was going to expose the “religion of peace”. Let’s see, Islamic faith has a history of violence, yet when that fact is mentioned people get all offended, shoot a nun in the back and set fire to churches. Yep! You showed us!! How dare the Pope say, oh, I don’t know, THE TRUTH. Look at another famous Muhammed. That’s right, I’m talkin’ Ali. He settled things violently as well and now look at him. He’s a glorified tree.

Ryan (Muslims): What? You, and agent of the Zionist West, dare call us violent? That nun we shot deserved to burn in the fires of hell for turning her life over to your so-called “god”. Allah is the one true God!! The Pope is nothing more than an American agent who is being controlled the Great Satan!! All Muslims understand that Allah is Peace, and that as soon as we suicide-bomb everyone into believing that, we can decapitate all the remaining non-believers and settle into our crowd of 72 virgins that we get for martyring ourselves in the name of love and killing your so-called “innocents”. The Pope is illiterate!! We are the truly educated ones!! Now, can you please send up some economic aid so we can steal it from our people?

George Bush vs. A Bush

Steve (George): G.W. here. Lookie there, I’m bein’ compared to a bush. I don’t get it, is that funny? I am a Bush. George dubya Bush. Leader of the free peoples of the republic of the empire of the states. You know. America. 9/11. Never forget what the Bush haters did to this country on that fatefulness-tic day. I protected America. A Bush, that’s right. Not a Clinton, or a Hitler, or Magic Johnson, but me, Georgie. I took the ball, and bounced passed it over to Congress, and we got ourselves a war going, we took a shot to the hoop and scored us a touchdown named Saddam. That’s a three-pointer, folks. I still don’t get it…I am a Bush. My daddy was a Bush and so was my grandfather. Ya ever eat at McDonald’s? I love those fries. Those fries are here because I protected you all from the Gee-hadists. You know, those crazy foreign-type guys over there. Not one McDonald’s was lost during my watch. You can print that. I’m a Bush.

Ryan (a Bush): Hi there. I am a bush…you know a shrub. I contribute greatly to the great circle of life on Earth. For example, I am being planted in Baghdad to distract people from the constant sound of gunfire and explosions, and to help pull attention away from the eyesores of bomb craters and severed limbs. In Afghanistan, I am being planted to help disguise the Opium plants from being discovered by overhead recon flights. In fact, I have even just been shipped to Lebanon so that Hezbollah can use my decorative fronds to camouflage their RPG rocket tubes while setting up the attack angles necessary to lob the rocket pod into a civilian apartment building. See what power a Bush can have on the human spirit?

Monday, October 02, 2006

More Crud...

I love taking Internet breaks. They are great for clarity, as well as to have a lot of hate mail waiting for you. In this case, a lot equals 7. It's all primarily like the blog I dedicated to other hate mail two posts ago. Now it's boring, and unoriginal. If anything original comes out of the mail, I'll post it and address it in a future blog.


Ok, we all know better than that. Now, I agree with the backpedal brigade, KU is better than people give/gave them credit for. That being said, they are not a national powerhouse at all. So what does that mean? Personally, I think NU underestimated them. I also think we have some glaring problems defensively.

The same people who predicted an absolute blowout against KU are now predicting a huge blowout against ISU. What have the Huskers proven?

1.) We can knock shitty teams around like red-headed step kids.
2.) We are not winning against quality opponents, and are barely winning against a Kansas team that is unranked in the the AP or Coaches polls.

A win is a win, right? I know, unless Frank Solich is the coach, then winning ugly is a big deal. Again, Solich deserved the axe, and got it a year too late, but to the ITG's...where is the consistency? It's ok for Callahan to win ugly? Exposed.

I think that Callahan is on the right track, and so are the players. Having a tight game like this might slap some reality into them, meaning that we don't underestimate any opponents. ISU is one of the most inconsistent teams out there, and they tend to be fired up when playing two teams: Iowa and Nebraska. They have a couple receivers that are pretty good, and our secondary will not get the job done if we aren't applying pressure to the QB early and often.

Beyond that is Mizzou and Texas. This season entered Chapter 2 last weekend, and it continues from here on out. Nebraska has the tools, and need to be allowed to use them.

My girlfriend, Hardcharger, was talking out of his @$$ again...

"Herian's blocking has been quite poor."

Hahahahehhehahahehehshshahahaha. Oh...sorry. Well, Hard, what does Coach Callahan think?

Three games into his comeback season, senior tight end Matt Herian has impressed Callahan the most with his blocking ability, the coach said. “He’s blocking more physical and more tenacious now than what he did a couple of years ago,” Callahan said.

Next. (Thanks to you know who for pointing that out).

I saw an awesome movie last night...The Score with Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton, and Marlon Brando. Buy it, rent it, I don't care, just watch it.

The Office is starting off just as good this year as it was last year.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Capirossi Wins In Japan, Rossi Second

Loris Capirossi and his Ducati takes Japan again in what was an excellent race. Capirossi had the pole position, and was never out of first place. The battle beyond that was very interesting.

Nicky Hayden had another bad start, and the leader in points for the World Championship had his second week in a row trying desperately to place as high as possible.

He was battling for 5th place, and on the last lap, Nakano crashes, giving Hayden the 5th spot.

Pretty bad luck for Nakano, the hometown hero.

Valentino Rossi and Marco Melandri had a great battle for 2nd. Melandri was in 2nd for the majority of the race, went wide on a corner, and that allowed Rossi the room he needed to pass him a short time later.

Rossi, pictured right, is probably the most fun to watch, and bears a creepy resemblance to Mango from Saturday Night Live.

Two more races left this season.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Love Letters

Well, I've sat on some comments recently, and because I sat on them too long, I figured they'd be stale in their original locations. So let's address them. I miss Husker1911 threatening my wife and daughter, though. He must be too busy bird watching.

Here we go!

SteveIsAbitch writes:

You are an arrogant prick. Go find another team to root for.

Dear SteveIsAbitch,

Thanks for the heartfelt comments. It's responses like this that only serve to encourage me. But you already know that. I know it tears you up that I'm not a "Solichista", and that I am a Callahan/Pederson fan. You'll learn to adapt after you're done spanking it in your parents' basement.

anonymous writes:

What would happen if you got hit head on in traffic? Personally we'd all be better off.

Dear anonymous,

That's an excellent question! How fast am I going, as well as the oncoming traffic? Am I wearing a seat belt? Does either of the cars have armor plating? If so, which ones? I'd love to run this scenario further with you. E-mail me at so we can chat about it further.

Another anonymous wrote:

Die, stupid fucker.

Dear anonymous,

You are a wordsmith. Happy holidays!

anonymous writes (everyone else posted anonymously, for the record):

Do you use your blog to compensate for a small peter?

Dear anonymous,

Really? I mean, that's it? First of all, who uses "peter"? Secondly, when you have to resort to small wang jokes, it's time to either take a break from the internet, or hit google for some better insults. I expect better next time. Step it up.

anonymous #3874 writes:

Try not to get your ass beat when you least expect it.

Dear anonymous,

Did you know your IP matches our "Die, stupid fucker" friend?

Anyway, I will certainly try not to. I know that you are an ITG (Internet Tough Guy), and you have an image to maintain, so I will help...

Oh please don't beat me up you sackless nutguzzler!! (I'm not above sophomoric profanity, FYI).

...was that better?

anonymous writes:

Stick to motorcycle racing, it's clear you hate the Huskers.

Dear anonymous,

Okay. Seriously. Point to any single post on here, or anywhere, that shows I "hate the Huskers". Let me know when you find some links. You need to remember, you are not a Husker. Neither are the rest of the malcontents that post on my blog. You're gutless bitches who are clueless as to what being a Husker fan is all about. You're either mid-90's bandwagoners, or old creepy bird-watching freaks who are trying to find friends on the internet because in real life you're a social retard.

Yet another anonymous writes:

At least on BRB (Steve note: that's bigredboard) we don't trash the Huskers, ever. Can you say the same about you and your brother?

Dear anonymous,

First off, unless it's Bo Ruud, right? Anyway, I once again challenge you to point out where I personally have trashed the Huskers. I don't speak for my brother, as he can speak for himself.

I look forward to more whiny anonymous threats, etc.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Implosions, Melandri Wins

First off, congrats to USC for their victory against Nebraska Saturday. They are an excellent team, and the better team won, without question.

Secondly, visit almost any Husker message board to watch some of the most hilarious infighting on the planet. You have the crowd who is questioning the playcalling. There is also the normal bunch who goes batsh!t at ANY type of criticism. The funniest part is that even objective criticism makes one a "Husker hater". I love that the Knights of Husker Nation are so righteously defending the honor of the program that they continue to use their Nazi-like tactics on people with any different opinion. Be glad bigredboard doesn't own a gas chamber. If they did, you know Adolph Train Wreck and Osama bin Hardcharger would be using it.

I wanted Nebraska to win as much as the next guy, they didn't, and the world did not end. They will beat Troy next week, and receive their next biggest challenge this season against the Longhorns. They could lose that game, too. And to that I say B.F.D.

I want one thing to come from this loss: learning from it. Is it a huge surprise USC won? Hell no it isn't. Nebraska came out there, followed the gameplan set before them, and it didn't work. It didn't work because *GASP* USC is a much better football team. We adjust the gameplan(s) going forward and focus now on Troy.

I'd say "calm down" to Husker fans, but then I would lose the entertainment value of reading the hilarity on all the message boards.

Melandri Takes Australia

Marco Melandri looked awesome in the rain, taking first in the Australian Grand Prix. Valentino Rossi placed third. He was running in 4th place until the final turn. Nicky Hayden had the pole position, but moved back to 16th after a bad start. He finished 5th, and still is leading in points for the world championship.

This was a crazy race, and the rain was coming down pretty good until the last few laps.

Moto GP cameramen suck, that much is certain. Japan is next!

Friday, September 15, 2006


I'd like to welcome the ladies visiting the blog from...

Don't bother clicking it. It goes to a hidden forum that is not publicly viewable.

Apparently the Count/Pointercount from November is popular. I'm sitting on a couple interesting comments left lastnight. I'm debating on whether I publish them or not. Seriously, the whole threat of physical violence by BRB members is...

A.) Overdone.
B.) Bogus and empty, since none of them have the balls to do jack besides jack each other over the net.

Enjoy the weekend, and GO BIG RED! I say we beat USC in a squeaker.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Plug-o-rama, Misc. Crap

There is a new Husker board out there. This one is created by my brother.

"But Steve, don't you have your own message board?"

Good question, and thanks for asking. I do have my own board. It is, however, a private board with absolutely no new members considered. The objective for his new Husker board is explained in the link. Let the pot stirring commence!

NU vs. USC

Nebraska plays USC this weekend, and, IMO, that's when the season starts. After playing a couple middle schools, we get the first challenge of the season. NU has all the tools needed to win this game. It IS funny to see other people on message boards guaranteeing a victory for the Huskers on Saturday. Sorry, but this one is too close for me to start proclaiming victory. Can we win? Yes. Will we? I have no idea. It was a tad easier predicting insanely huge blowout victories the last two weeks, but the Huskers haven't been challenged.

While I have no idea, I'm picking the Huskers to win anyway, because I can, minus the cocky arrogance that others exhibit.


In Moto GP news, Italy's Valentino Rossi takes Malaysia in an awesome race. It came down to the last lap, with Rossi taking the lead and the win. Nicky Hayden of the U.S. is still out in front in the standings, but at this point, it's all up for grabs. Moto GP racing is a lot of fun to watch, and the races do not last for 827 hours. They go 21 laps, and on bikes that are pushing 180-200 MPH, it doesn't take long.


I am enjoying the tone of the comments on the blog, as of late. Laced with insults and threats of violence, it's turning into a real love-fest! Speaking of which, BRB psychopath, husker98765, seems to have a real passion for role-playing games...check out some of those awesome items! LOL! The irony couldn't be more delicious.

Regardless, I anxiously await more insults.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Ah, the F.U.N.

Some excellent quotes today.

"Robbie" over at bighuskerfan writes the following drivel...

I've never wanted the Huskers to lose. Your implication that I did is insulting, but understandable considering the source. You're the one rewriting history. I'm the one that lived it.

He's having some internet HHF (huffy hair-flip) with some rando on that board.

The best part of his quote is what his wife said a few years back...

"Yes, we are now 8-2. Call me a Frank Basher but quite frankly, I would rather lose out if it means that NU will get a new HC. My nightmare is that the season will end and Frank will keep his job. Forever more we will be subjected to Frank/Barney ball.” Guenther

Guenther/Virginia is Robbie's wife. Must have been hard in their household with his wife harboring such insulting thoughts. Hope he didn't beat her.

Robbie/Bob/RTB/oldsoldier gets 5 out of 5 cans of Slim Fast for being such a fuckwit.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Harrison Beck

Harrison Beck is apparently having some issues that could impact his future as a Husker.

Article here...

He is back home in Florida, and the team is practicing without him. Beck is done, IMO, and will not be returning.

1.) Coach Callahan should not let him back.
2.) Harrison's mom, who is making comments left and right, needs to be aware of how shooting your mouth off can inhibit his son's career.

The next time he sets foot into a locker room, how many "mom" jokes do you think he will encounter? Hopefully about a million. The kid, whom many message board nerds had virtual orgasms over, is getting a lot of grief from the same orgasm-having nerds.

This is why people shouldn't get all fired up about athletes until they prove themselves. Especially 18 year-olds with high Rivals rankings. :::yawn::: Some kids do not have the maturity level to handle the life decisions they are making without adverse reaction. Beck's reaction to not being the starter is absolutely immature, and all his mother is doing is amplifying feelings she is getting from her son. People slamming his mom also need to slam Beck himself. She isn't picking her comments out of the air, and then he is mysteriously disappearing from practices.

A recent thread about Beck on a message board was an absolute laugh riot...

On July 26th, columbushusker writes "i say he will be 3rd string. i just have a feeling that he is a washout and will never be anything. i dunno just something about him makes me think he will not play this year."

Well, we can't have statements like that!!! Just ask these guys...

Huskerbo: I don't understand why a fan would "get a feeling" that one of their players would be a washout and then proceed to tell everybody that. I don't think I have ever seen a player dumped on so quickly and deemed a failure with so little evidence-and many of these comments come from supposed fans of his team. The attitude some people are taking towards him I find rather disgusting and is NOT how fans should act.

It is disgusting. It's almost as disgusting as not allowing someone to have an opposing viewpoint. Not quite, mind you, but close.

SCVHusker: Ok, I have you marked down as one who will NOT join the bandwagon when he becomes a leader of this team.

So is columbushusker taken off that list yet? SCV, let me know when Beck leads this team. I will mark you down as one who has no idea what the hell he is talking about.

Ankeny Husker Freak: Because the negativity has got to stop. Why some of you have this anomisty towards Bill Callahan, his staff, and players is beyond me. Those who constant question Coach Callahan, his staff, and players on every little thing, come across to me as being "you'll never accept what Coach Callahan and his staff accomplishes because it's not done the "Nebraska way", whatever that is and you, Columbus and others feel like you can get away with it because you conclude your asinane & negative comments with "I hope i'm wrong". Well guess what, you shouldn't get away with and like I said before, huge kudos to those who've called Columbus out on his stupid & negative comments.

Yeah, columbus!! You shouldn't get away with it!! Maybe you should have the shit knocked out of you! How about chopping off your pinky finger!!!! No wait, maybe you should be forced to wear a dress in public!! No, no!! Wait!! You should douse yourself with gasoline in the middle of a crowded shopping mall!! Better yet, maybe you and YOUR mom should be the ones to die a painful death. That's more like it, and it would then be consistent.

Optimism is the same thing as hypocrisy to the BRB types. Only THEIR optimism is allowed, and as opposed to trying to sway someone's opinion through optimism and logic, they do it in attack format. Yeah, that's something to be proud of. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, they are the same guys who had their asses handed to them in every aspect of their lives, and are simply taking it out on people anonymously. So columbus and others, remember that when they are baiting you, they would never in a zillion years have the nads to do it to your face, it's why they are "Internet Tough Guys". It's like having a 2 month old crack baby yelling at you. It can't help itsself.

The angst of Husker fans on the internet is like going to a Nine Inch Nails concert.

Let this be a lesson, folks: you can't ever have any opinion different from those who are wiping off their monitors due to excess protein discharge whilst slappin' it to Nebraska's Athletic Director. If you do, they will show you optimism through force. You know, like a concentration camp.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Miami Vice

When I heard that they were making this movie, I cringed. Look at Starsky & Hutch, Dukes of Hazzard, and so on.

Say what you want about the fashion-sense of the 80's, the original Vice had stories that were dark, intense, and rarely had any cheesy happy endings.

When I saw the casting for this movie, that was a start. It's not like they cast Adam Sandler as Crockett and (insert Wayans brother here) as Tubbs. That would have thrown the movie on the list of "never see" for me. When I heard that Michael Mann was in charge, I started feeling even better about it. Mann, if you'll recall, was also in charge of the TV show.

I hit the theater a little early for the 10:20 showing. As I am watching people file out of the theater, the mood seemed fine. No gut-busting laughter, etc.

In a nutshell, this movies was excellent. Dark and intense from the beginning until the end. Colin Farrell had a brief bout with another accent early in the film, but was very solid in the movie. Jamie Fox was also awesome in his performance. That, and there were no pastels, or sock-less loafers. I am not sure what kind of Ferrari was used, but it looked like the F430. I suppose I could do some research on it, but that would require some effort.

This was not a campy spin-off of a TV show that makes you wonder why Hollywood is not the victim of relentless air-bombing. This was a well thought out story that paid homage to a series that was ground breaking in its serious tone/approach to counter the typical buddy cop crap that still persists in movies today.

See it.

Friday, July 28, 2006


Bush vs. Stem-Cell Research

Steve: Stem-cell research? P'shaw. Bush has every right to throw that idea down the tubes. Look, if it isn't oil, a baseball team, or cocaine, our President can't possibly establish a frame of reference. Besides, the next thing you know, they'll be using those stem-cell thingies to have people growing baby arms out of the smalls of their backs. That just ain't natural. How can those stem-cells help people when they are on their sprawling ranches in Texas? I have broken an arm, leg, and my nose before, and I didn't need any stem-cells to make me bionic.

Steve Austin was the Six Million Dollar Man, and that was a TV show. Not real. I don't want to have Steve Austin fighting a probe and have to worry about our nation playing around with stem-cells. America's first bionic couple, Steve Austin and Jamie Summers, don't need that kind of stress in their lives when they are making little bionic babies. What about lasers? Maybe we could use lasers to cut holes in the wal!l as if we were to run through the wall, Wile E. Coyote style? That would be cool.

Buddy: Starting from a position of fear and paranoia to determine the course of scientific progress is the devil’s playground my friend. Your argument is nothing more than a modernized version of the Salem Witch Hunts. True, there is a need for caution. True, there is a need for regulations. But to deny the possibilities outright for no better reason than to pander to the ignorant superstitions, propaganda, and prejudices of a powerful yet misled sliver of the population in order to make up lost ground in the upcoming midterm election is par for the course with this president and his administration. I bet you’d change your tune if that baby arm was growing under your belly within reach of your think tank. So go dance around your fire, finish a cave drawing, and repel with fear at the sight of progress and leave the science thingy’s to the “uprights”. Isn’t it time for you to do your homework? I’ll get the T.V. Guide.

North Korea vs. Iran

Steve: North Korea's Kim Jong Il has the market cornered on insanity. The guy had South Korean film director Shin Sang-ok and his actress wife, Choe Eun-hui, KIDNAPPED so he could start a movie industry in North Korea. It's said that he has fathered 13 illegitimate children. If this guy isn't running for the Democratic ticket in '08, I don't know who should be.

Let's see, nukes in the hand of a crazy person? Make North Korea a parking lot. Now.

Buddy: I don’t disagree with your argument, but I have to go with Iran. The truth is I’m still pissed off about the whole hostage thing and their current president was in on the whole thing. I’m not sure what role he actually played because I don’t feel like researching but I definitely heard it somewhere. Listen, every country has radical extremists but why does the Middle East have so many? I’ll tell you why. Sexual repression. Any time a community of men can’t get a regular look at a little T&A or cop the occasional feel they go nuts and start killing things. It’s true. When was the last time we had a bombing or school shooting in America by someone who was getting some? It is always geeks and outcasts with bad skin. That’s why Kim Jong Il doesn’t really worry me…he’s getting plenty.

Why didn’t Clinton take a stronger stand against terrorists and let the military dwindle? He was getting a lot. Why is Bush so eager to go to war? You figure it out. I put it to all my readers, stop sending troops and send porn. We’ll make a little mess and save a lot of lives.

Brandon Routh vs. Christopher Reeve

Steve: Wow. What a crappy luck of the draw. I have to choose Routh for one reason: he isn't crippled. This is not to make fun of Reeve, but that tragedy is exactly that: a tragedy. Routh has his whole life in front of him, and did an admirable job in the new Supes flick.

As I am sitting here, one other EXCELLENT reason to pick Routh has occurred to me. Brandon Routh has not shared spit with crazed has-been Margot Kidder. 'nuff said.

Buddy: All I hear about this new Superman flick is what a good job Routh did impersonating Christopher Reeve. I quote the Author of this very blog, “Brandon Routh did a nice job in the role. Very Reeve-esque as Clark Kent.” Is margarine better than butter? Is Steve Connolly better than Elvis? Brandon Routh did nothing more than conjure up the memory of the one great Superman/Clark Kent. And don’t try that cheap Margot Kidder cop out. Anybody could kiss Kate Bosworth. Only a true hero could or would kiss the hag Reeve kissed.

Carbs vs. Protein

Buddy: If you’re so into protein I have an all meat diet for you. BING! But seriously, Carbohydrates are the most abundant class of organic compounds found in living organisms. They originate as products of photosynthesis, an endothermic reductive condensation of carbon dioxide requiring light energy and the pigment chlorophyll.n CO2 + n H2O + energy CnH2nOn + n O2

So as you can see they are very important to have. Besides, I tried the Atkins Diet once and after a week I couldn’t take it any more. I even had dreams about meat. Of course, this is no big deal for you because you always dream about meat. BING!

Steve: Bing? Twice? I feel like I'm watching zany comedian Rip Taylor running through a studio audience throwing confetti on people. Anyways, now when I think of carbs, I will think of science class. When I think of science class, I think of Mr. Thompson throwing my brother out of class for not having a pencil. When I think of my brother being thrown out of science class for not having a pencil, I think of how much different that day would have been for him had he had a pencil.

Back to protein. Steak = protein. Case closed. Don't get me wrong, carbs are awesome, especially in the form of Italian bread or potatoes. These two are so intertwined when it comes to what makes up a kickass meal, it's not even funny. What is funny is watching Sylvester Stallone beat up slabs of protein in Rocky.

Barbaro vs. Ryan

Buddy: Let me start by saying that Barbarro is a story that America cares about. He’s a champion. He’s innocent. He’s a hero that all Americans can rally around as a source of hope and inspiration in that we don’t have to accept and be restrained by the old rules, rather we can move forward and forge new paths of glory. Barbarro is an American icon who will live on in our hearts well after he is gone. Ryan on the other hand is a funny little guy with some peculiar notions on capitalism. If we left it to Ryan we would tear down the very fabric of what makes this country great. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy. He saved my ass in Nam when we were kids. That is to say he saved my ass from NAMBLA. Anyway, you have to wonder why Ryan hates Barbarro so much. I mean this level of odium is usually reserved for the great rivalries of history like Lincoln and Douglas; Hitler and Ava Braun; my mom and dad…but for Ryan to abhor this horse so much hints at a deeper problem. What that is we may never know but one question remains…does Ryan have a problem with the horse or does Ryan have a problem with Ryan.

Steve: Wow. Let me ask you a question, Buddy. Have you been raped by a horse lately? Ever?! I will tell you, my friend, I haven't either. Let's put ourselves in Ryan's shoes. Not saying he has been horse-raped at all. I was just wondering if you have ever been taken sexually by a horse. Ryan's disdain for our future bottle of Elmer's is to be commended. I, for one, am also tired of hearing about it. You see, I will never tire of headlines about Iraq, North Korea, Bush screwing up a word, Jessica Simpson, Tiger Woods, or how evil conservatives are. We don't get those headlines enough. I know when I read thousands of articles like that daily, I still do not get my fill. Imagine my surprise to see the Barbarro articles after being so gloriously mind-numbed by the media. What are they thinking? I am not mentally prepared to handle anything but sensationalistic alarmism. Bastards.

Rush vs. Florida Customs

Buddy: Listen, Rush needs Viagra because everyone is trying to screw him. It is hard enough for Rush to face the daily pressures of mega stardom without every Tom, Dick, and Harry trying to catch him with his pants down. Florida customs has the right to search and the right to detain and even the right to question the seemingly mislabeled prescription for Viagra. But they called the press. They invited the media down in an obvious attempt to embarrass Mr.Limbaugh. I challenge the Florida jelly fingers to call the media every time they come across a suspected misdemeanor. Good job fellas! As far as I’m concerned this bunch of dangling CHADs are just looking for a story to tell their grandchildren about the day they stuck it to Rush Limbaugh.

(Ghost-written by Sonny Crockett): Look pal, we have a job to do, and I don't care whether you like it or not. Tubbs and I rely on Florida customs to help us save lives, pal. Who knows what other forms of smack Limbaugh had on him, pal? If I had my way, pal, they'd search every radio host with priors. Listen pal, I'm more than happy to beat this point into your head, because you just won't get it and never will. Pal. Pal pal pal pal pal. Pal! How much is Viagra, anyway. Pal?