Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Human Centipede

All right, let's get something straight.  Some movies should not be made, which is to say that some movies should not be watched.  I mean, if you don't make it, you can't watch it, right?

The Human Centipede is brought to us by people who hate.  Pretty simple, really, they are pure evil.  The kind of evil that is brought to you by old ladies at the grocery store who start fishing for their checkbook AFTER the cashier has scanned 200 dollars worth of Werther's, Depends, and hard candy (to be stored for a minimum of 15 years prior to being put into a dish).

Ashley C. Williams, rawr.
This movie features the creepiest guy on the planet playing an evil doctor who wants to sew three people together...centipede-style.  This means that there is a front, middle, and end.  The middle and end have the distinct joy of being sewn to the BUTTHOLE of the person they are behind.

Sounding like a great idea?  It really isn't.

The good: the evil Doctor was a bit over the top in his acting, but as far as creepy looks go, he wins.  He was like a tall, frail Hitler.  Also good was Ashley C. Williams as "Lindsey".  I might be a touch biased because she was hot.

The bad: all the Japanese screaming.  Our friend at the front of the human centipede was a Japanese male who screamed so much, it made me not want to watch Ninja Warrior ever again.  Also bad was the character of Jenny.  Within her first few minutes of screen time, I was begging her to be put in a sleeping bag and smashed against a tree, Jason Voorhees-style.  The rest of the bad was the rest of the movie.

Save yourself.  If you don't have a strong stomach, you will dislike this movie.  I do not have a strong stomach, and this movie is my new weight loss technique.  If you do have a strong stomach, and like creepy thrillers, I would rate this fairly high, to be honest.

I am going to watch Teletubbies to try and see what kind of shock I can provide to my system.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Book 'em

There is a new Five-0, I know.  This is Five-O.  See the difference?  The new show, whose second season debuts on Monday night, has a zero, while the old show has a capital "O".  Normally that should be all I need to say, but I'll go on.

Thanks to some recent medical issues, I've been laid up (day 70 with a broken back).  When I saw that the original Hawaii Five-O series was available on Netflix Instant Queue, I wanted to jump up and down!  Instead, I opted to move my neck a little bit, and say "Huh, cool!"

My brother Todd and I would watch the original Five-O all the time back in the day.  This show, while not near as fast-paced as the new Five-0, holds up very well with great writing, and a non-cheese approach to the show.  For example, there would be no Ponch and John type endings where everyone starts laughing at some poor fall guy in the final scene only to freeze frame on the hijinx.  With Jack Lord's Five-O, it was no-nonsense, gritty police work. 

If you haven't seen this, or it's been a long time, slap this sucker in your instant queue and enjoy.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Is Charlie Sheen crazy?

In a recent poll, the question was asked "Who is more crazy?"

I have the results.

Pol Pot: 7%
Adolph Hitler: 18%
Charles Manson: 19%
Charlie Sheen: 56%

He's WINNING again!!!!

Friday, February 11, 2011


Whoever pioneered DVR technology is my hero. I love to watch TV, but do not have the time to regularly do so. So on a lazy weekend day, I can catch up on 7 episodes of The Office, or whatever. So what's on TV?

Hawaii Five-0. As a fan of the original series, I was extremely apprehensive. Anytime the Hollywood morons remake a show from the old days, it has a campy twist that makes me want to wash my eyes with hydrochloric acid. Five-0 is an excellent show. Some old timers have been harsh in their criticism, citing such huge character differences, etc. My only comment to that is why would you do a remake, and then make everything the same? Old McGarrett was the best cop of his time, and new McGarrett is a tad reckless and tackles people at least once per show. 5 out of 5 Hula girls.

The Mentalist. I came into this show at the beginning of season 2 (it's in its 3rd season now). My wife was constantly yapping about great it was blah blah blah. I watched a couple minutes of it and felt like seeing how many fingers I could cut off before I passed out. After giving it a chance, I can't miss any show. Great lead actor, supporting cast is superb, and the continuity is pretty tight. This show does well in the ratings, but should do better. 5 out of 5 serial killers.

Parks and Recreation. Another show that, when it first came on, I hated it. I really, really hated it. I liked the cast, but as an ensemble, it felt forced, and was like watching the Terminator's torso crawling after Sarah Connor. Not just a scene of robot felt like 30 minutes of that. Mind-numbing, truly. Then all of a sudden, it started clicking. I laugh harder at this than I do 30 Rock. Best characters: Ron Swanson and Andy. Andy is so incredibly funny in this show. During season one, I wondered what Andy might look like after a meteor fell on him, but from season two forward, the character has been brilliant. Hats off. The addition of Rob Lowe had me scratching my head, but his character is a riot. Watch this show. Now. 5 out of 5 Rashida Jones' (because she is smokin' hot).

The Office. Always a solid show, but it has its slow moments. It also has its deathly uncomfortable moments. Steve Carell is leaving the show, and I am hoping the show can go on and still have some quality attached to it. 3 out of 5 stars.

How I Met Your Mother. I can't say enough about this show. Brilliance. I think the chemistry is the key. Some shows have it, some don't. Happy Days, Seinfeld, Friends...all had great chemistry. Other shows like, oh, I don't know, To Catch a Predator...not so much. Doogie Howser is excellent in this show, and the female characters more than hold their own. 5 out of 5.

Modern Family. Best sitcom on TV. More great chemistry from all involved. The kids are hilarious, all 3 "families" are great...I'd tell people to watch it, but they already are, probably. 7 out of 5!

The Big Bang Theory. Always solid, always funny. While I haven't, and won't, miss an episode, I sometimes feel like every episode is somewhat the same. Still, there's always 3 or 4 "LOL" moments. 4 out of 5 nerds.

Dexter. I saved the best for last. Not since The Sopranos have I been roped into a show that was so insanely addictive. The Sopranos were never even close to this addictive. I have a friend who kept harping on me to watch it. I kept thinking "no." Once I saw seasons 1 and 2 were on the instant queue for Netflix, my excuses started to run out. I watched the first three episodes in a row. This was last November. I am now caught up (through season 5). GREAT STUFF. 10 out of 5 blood slides.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tuesday, February 08, 2011


Since the outbreak of bubonic plague here at the SBG offices, the mail has been stacking up. Let's get right to it.


You are a (insert expletive here).

Please write in with something newsworthy next time. I KNOW.

What do you think of (Valentino) Rossi driving a Ducati?

I think Rossi could drive a moped and have a shot at winning.

Hey man, I haven't seen you on Huskermax, what gives?

It's pretty simple, really. Two of the moderators, Red Reign and Chitownhusker, are the biggest tool-bags you'll ever encounter. Max is a great guy, but his moderator choices are pretty bad. Moderators of a high-traffic board should not act like 12 year old schoolgirls, who get their feelings hurt if you question anything they do. Huskermedic isn't any better. He's a tech nerd with no people skills. I post on 4 other Husker boards, BigHuskerFan, Huskerpedia, Huskerfanclub, and Bigredboard (tee hee) and on the first three boards I mentioned, they all know how shitty the mods on HM are. Once Red Reign and Chitown stop wearing panties and sticking their heads up each others' asses, that place would be a lot better. I know of 7 total people who would join but won't. There are a ton of great posters on HM, though.

Do some more point, counterpoints!!

FINE, I will! :)

Monday, February 07, 2011

Hello? Is This Thing On?

I had 187 blogs last year. Unfortunately, there were some union problems, and I couldn't post them here until there was a resolution. Thanks for your patience.