Point/Counter-Point

Bush vs. Stem-Cell Research

Steve: Stem-cell research? P'shaw. Bush has every right to throw that idea down the tubes. Look, if it isn't oil, a baseball team, or cocaine, our President can't possibly establish a frame of reference. Besides, the next thing you know, they'll be using those stem-cell thingies to have people growing baby arms out of the smalls of their backs. That just ain't natural. How can those stem-cells help people when they are on their sprawling ranches in Texas? I have broken an arm, leg, and my nose before, and I didn't need any stem-cells to make me bionic.

Steve Austin was the Six Million Dollar Man, and that was a TV show. Not real. I don't want to have Steve Austin fighting a probe and have to worry about our nation playing around with stem-cells. America's first bionic couple, Steve Austin and Jamie Summers, don't need that kind of stress in their lives when they are making little bionic babies. What about lasers? Maybe we could use lasers to cut holes in the wal!l as if we were to run through the wall, Wile E. Coyote style? That would be cool.



Buddy: Starting from a position of fear and paranoia to determine the course of scientific progress is the devil’s playground my friend. Your argument is nothing more than a modernized version of the Salem Witch Hunts. True, there is a need for caution. True, there is a need for regulations. But to deny the possibilities outright for no better reason than to pander to the ignorant superstitions, propaganda, and prejudices of a powerful yet misled sliver of the population in order to make up lost ground in the upcoming midterm election is par for the course with this president and his administration. I bet you’d change your tune if that baby arm was growing under your belly within reach of your think tank. So go dance around your fire, finish a cave drawing, and repel with fear at the sight of progress and leave the science thingy’s to the “uprights”. Isn’t it time for you to do your homework? I’ll get the T.V. Guide.

North Korea vs. Iran

Steve: North Korea's Kim Jong Il has the market cornered on insanity. The guy had South Korean film director Shin Sang-ok and his actress wife, Choe Eun-hui, KIDNAPPED so he could start a movie industry in North Korea. It's said that he has fathered 13 illegitimate children. If this guy isn't running for the Democratic ticket in '08, I don't know who should be.

Let's see, nukes in the hand of a crazy person? Make North Korea a parking lot. Now.

Buddy: I don’t disagree with your argument, but I have to go with Iran. The truth is I’m still pissed off about the whole hostage thing and their current president was in on the whole thing. I’m not sure what role he actually played because I don’t feel like researching but I definitely heard it somewhere. Listen, every country has radical extremists but why does the Middle East have so many? I’ll tell you why. Sexual repression. Any time a community of men can’t get a regular look at a little T&A or cop the occasional feel they go nuts and start killing things. It’s true. When was the last time we had a bombing or school shooting in America by someone who was getting some? It is always geeks and outcasts with bad skin. That’s why Kim Jong Il doesn’t really worry me…he’s getting plenty.

Why didn’t Clinton take a stronger stand against terrorists and let the military dwindle? He was getting a lot. Why is Bush so eager to go to war? You figure it out. I put it to all my readers, stop sending troops and send porn. We’ll make a little mess and save a lot of lives.

Brandon Routh vs. Christopher Reeve

Steve: Wow. What a crappy luck of the draw. I have to choose Routh for one reason: he isn't crippled. This is not to make fun of Reeve, but that tragedy is exactly that: a tragedy. Routh has his whole life in front of him, and did an admirable job in the new Supes flick.

As I am sitting here, one other EXCELLENT reason to pick Routh has occurred to me. Brandon Routh has not shared spit with crazed has-been Margot Kidder. 'nuff said.

Buddy: All I hear about this new Superman flick is what a good job Routh did impersonating Christopher Reeve. I quote the Author of this very blog, “Brandon Routh did a nice job in the role. Very Reeve-esque as Clark Kent.” Is margarine better than butter? Is Steve Connolly better than Elvis? Brandon Routh did nothing more than conjure up the memory of the one great Superman/Clark Kent. And don’t try that cheap Margot Kidder cop out. Anybody could kiss Kate Bosworth. Only a true hero could or would kiss the hag Reeve kissed.


Carbs vs. Protein

Buddy: If you’re so into protein I have an all meat diet for you. BING! But seriously, Carbohydrates are the most abundant class of organic compounds found in living organisms. They originate as products of photosynthesis, an endothermic reductive condensation of carbon dioxide requiring light energy and the pigment chlorophyll.n CO2 + n H2O + energy CnH2nOn + n O2

So as you can see they are very important to have. Besides, I tried the Atkins Diet once and after a week I couldn’t take it any more. I even had dreams about meat. Of course, this is no big deal for you because you always dream about meat. BING!

Steve: Bing? Twice? I feel like I'm watching zany comedian Rip Taylor running through a studio audience throwing confetti on people. Anyways, now when I think of carbs, I will think of science class. When I think of science class, I think of Mr. Thompson throwing my brother out of class for not having a pencil. When I think of my brother being thrown out of science class for not having a pencil, I think of how much different that day would have been for him had he had a pencil.

Back to protein. Steak = protein. Case closed. Don't get me wrong, carbs are awesome, especially in the form of Italian bread or potatoes. These two are so intertwined when it comes to what makes up a kickass meal, it's not even funny. What is funny is watching Sylvester Stallone beat up slabs of protein in Rocky.

Barbaro vs. Ryan

Buddy: Let me start by saying that Barbarro is a story that America cares about. He’s a champion. He’s innocent. He’s a hero that all Americans can rally around as a source of hope and inspiration in that we don’t have to accept and be restrained by the old rules, rather we can move forward and forge new paths of glory. Barbarro is an American icon who will live on in our hearts well after he is gone. Ryan on the other hand is a funny little guy with some peculiar notions on capitalism. If we left it to Ryan we would tear down the very fabric of what makes this country great. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy. He saved my ass in Nam when we were kids. That is to say he saved my ass from NAMBLA. Anyway, you have to wonder why Ryan hates Barbarro so much. I mean this level of odium is usually reserved for the great rivalries of history like Lincoln and Douglas; Hitler and Ava Braun; my mom and dad…but for Ryan to abhor this horse so much hints at a deeper problem. What that is we may never know but one question remains…does Ryan have a problem with the horse or does Ryan have a problem with Ryan.

Steve: Wow. Let me ask you a question, Buddy. Have you been raped by a horse lately? Ever?! I will tell you, my friend, I haven't either. Let's put ourselves in Ryan's shoes. Not saying he has been horse-raped at all. I was just wondering if you have ever been taken sexually by a horse. Ryan's disdain for our future bottle of Elmer's is to be commended. I, for one, am also tired of hearing about it. You see, I will never tire of headlines about Iraq, North Korea, Bush screwing up a word, Jessica Simpson, Tiger Woods, or how evil conservatives are. We don't get those headlines enough. I know when I read thousands of articles like that daily, I still do not get my fill. Imagine my surprise to see the Barbarro articles after being so gloriously mind-numbed by the media. What are they thinking? I am not mentally prepared to handle anything but sensationalistic alarmism. Bastards.

Rush vs. Florida Customs

Buddy: Listen, Rush needs Viagra because everyone is trying to screw him. It is hard enough for Rush to face the daily pressures of mega stardom without every Tom, Dick, and Harry trying to catch him with his pants down. Florida customs has the right to search and the right to detain and even the right to question the seemingly mislabeled prescription for Viagra. But they called the press. They invited the media down in an obvious attempt to embarrass Mr.Limbaugh. I challenge the Florida jelly fingers to call the media every time they come across a suspected misdemeanor. Good job fellas! As far as I’m concerned this bunch of dangling CHADs are just looking for a story to tell their grandchildren about the day they stuck it to Rush Limbaugh.

(Ghost-written by Sonny Crockett): Look pal, we have a job to do, and I don't care whether you like it or not. Tubbs and I rely on Florida customs to help us save lives, pal. Who knows what other forms of smack Limbaugh had on him, pal? If I had my way, pal, they'd search every radio host with priors. Listen pal, I'm more than happy to beat this point into your head, because you just won't get it and never will. Pal. Pal pal pal pal pal. Pal! How much is Viagra, anyway. Pal?