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Grown Men with Harry Potter Fever vs. Grown Men with Star Wars Fever

Steve: Grown men with Star Wars fever. Why? See that pic of Princess Leia? Normally I'd say 'nuff said. Not today, my friend. Harry Potter has made a bajillion dollars at the box office. Star Wars has, also. Grown men have a reason to be a little nerdish about Star Wars. Why? Well, for most of us, we saw it AS KIDS. Harry Potter stars children. I just can't watch it with any interest. Are there any kicka$$ Mandalorian bounty hunters in Harry Potter? Nope. Sure, a cool spider or some weird dog, but no force choke. No lightsaber. Imagine how much damage Potter could do with a light saber? Heads would literally roll. I could sign up for that. Harry Potter is missing high fatality counts, also. How many clones, officers, etc. were destroyed in either Death Star? Sure the second one may not have had as many bad guys as it had contractors hurrying to get the job done, but you know a crapload of people lost it. Harry Potter is missing that special "bite" that one gets from looking at Carrie Fisher before the drugs took hold.

Ryan: OK, I admit, Harry Potter does not have Mandalorian bounty hunters, nor does it have force chokes, lightsabers, the Force, stormtroopers, or Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini. What does it have? It has a basis in reality at least that people actually believe in wizards and witches, and have a real place in human culture. Remember the Salem Stormtrooper trials? Oh, or how about the Roman Galactic Empire? Let’s put it this way, if I have to choose between my dorky friend or family member dressing up as either a witch or a stormtrooper, I’m probably going to go with hanging myself.

Make another Star Trek series vs. For God's Sake let Star Trek Die

Steve: The theme song to Enterprise. Does anything else need to be said? How can we watch an aging Data? Isn't he an android? "Captain Picard, I apologize for my appearance. It seems my positronic relays have fused into the experimental aging chip that Geordi installed. I'm getting wrinkles and am swelling. Where's Spot?" Scotty's dead. So is Dr. McCoy. Sulu's gay, for God's sake. Shatner is more round than captain-ly. Throw Marina Sirtis in topless, and I pluck down the cash, otherwise, let's let it stand as is.

Ryan: Dude, make another one!!! Give us a ship named Enterprise and fly around space solving problems and stuff. Throw in an alien or two an we’re happy. Know why the last three shows sucked? The first was a space station that stayed in the same spot. Not good. Then, we had a ship sent to the nether regions of the galaxy. Not a bad premise, but apparently all the cool aliens live in the Alpha quadrant. And then, the show-that-must-not-be-named-starring-Scott-Bakula. That show was so bad it was nearly unspeakable. Listen, maybe it’s time to return to the old format…you know, Enterprise in danger and they solve the problem. We seemed to like that. Give us what we want. Lastly, have you seen Marina Sirtis lately? No offense, but I won’t be attending her Betazed wedding.

Improving Des Moines vs. Des Moines sucks no matter what you do

Steve: Des Moines sucks. Seriously. You can't get decent variety of pizza in this town. Be-Bop's is the best burger in town? Please go to Omaha and eat at Bronco's, or preferrably a strong chain like Fuddrucker's or Jimmy Buffet's Cheeseburger In Paradise, which is the best thing Buffet has ever done. Try to sit through this guy's music for more than an hour. To do so would mean you have to sniff Everest-sized drifts of the Columbian's finest white lady. Des Moines has some bright spots, without a doubt, but it's always going to be Omaha's little, stinkier brother. We could improve Des Moines by having newsbabes Stacey Horst, Elizabeth Klinge, and Lynn Melling oil wrestle on TV. See, I have solutions!

Ryan: We have a problem in Des Moines…and ironically, it’s that the name of our city is Des Moines. How are we supposed to get a sports team when most people can’t even pronounce the name of the city? We even had to name our Arena Football team the “Iowa” Barnstormers because no one thought the Dez Moy-nez Barnstormers sounded about as tough as it sounds. But hey, we have blue pedestrian bridges now!!

Here’s the solution…change the name to River City. The River City Rampage, the River City Rebels….”Hey man, I live in River City!!” “Wow, that’s pretty cool!” You know, we’re a city, we have a river running through the city…it just works. You can still have newscasters from Omaha oil wrestle…I’m flexible.

No water in Chinese town vs. No water in American town

Steve: I'd prefer to be without water in an American town, because I can whine to the U.S. government until enough people just start giving me hand-outs whilst I do nothing to improve my own situation. In China, if one is to whine about a lack of water, a tank comes out of nowhere to run your whiny- a$$ over. Period. I prefer to be run over by something other than a Commie gettin' his tank on. That's real.

Ryan: You know what’s real? The Chinese have a billion people. Running water is a must. And I think the tank driver’s restraint at not running over the Chinese student at Tienamen Square shows the Chinese government’s restraint. What are you, some kind of Chinese-hater?

The upper 1% vs. The rest of us

Steve: I have to go with the rest of us, because I have no frame of reference. Sure I can imagine what life would be like in the upper 1%. Salma Hayek cleaning my bathroom mirror naked, a Fuddrucker's built into my home, the ability to sell a jar of my own urine on eBay and get thousands for it...the list goes on. As it stands, I have to believe that if we band together, we could take 'em. I bought some bags of urine that we could throw at them!!

Ryan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I almost snorted my champagne out of my nose!!! All of you peons need to realize, we own you so thoroughly that you don’t even know that money really does grow on trees. Trees that only we know the location of. Speaking for all rich people, we aren’t satisfied until we have taken every last buffalo nickel from each and every poor person. Would you like to participate in a regressive tax on poor people that we like to call the “powerball”? No? We’ll see when the jackpot is over 200 million. Oh, and by the way, you show your ignorance of the rich lifestyle talking about Selma like that. Like she would just clean ANY surface while naked. She only waxes naked, and then it’s only on Onyx on perhaps Greek marble. Also, what is Fuddrucker’s? Is that some establishment where the poors gather to talk? Lastly, you will never gain any wealth trying to sell your urine that cheaply. My urine books at $10,000 per ounce minimum. Poor people make me laugh.

Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles vs. Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash

Steve: Go Johnny Cash! Mr. Cash's story, quite honestly, is more interesting. Forget that Ray Charles is blind, I give out no handicap points in this analysis. Cash was a bada$$. A rebel. Ray Charles' story is just kinda sad, really. I mean the guy couldn't even SEE the drugs he was taking in. Musically, Cash was more original, whereas Ray, who was great, just doesn't stand out in American culture the way Johnny Cash does. When Ray can posthumously cover a Nine Inch Nails song, color me impressed, until then, put on the man in black.

Ryan: Hi, I’m Earth. Have we met? Ray Charles is BLIND. You can’t just gloss over that. Cash was a rebel…you know why?

He took gospel sounds and turned them into country rock. You know who did that first? A guy named Ray Charles. Oh, and he fought against segregation in the south by refusing to perform before segregated audiences. You can’t be serious that Cash stands out more in our culture…Ray Charles got

more sympathy than Reagan did when they died. And, Ray sang the most compelling version of “America the Beautiful” ever!! Ever heard the term “Hit the Road, Jack?”

Hmmm….where did that come from? Lastly, it was impressive that Cash posthumously covered a song. Ray, posthumously won a Grammy. Five of ‘em.

Neither of us even mentioned the movies by the way. Having watched them both, they both rocked. Best line from Ray? “I make it do what it do.” Best line from Walk the Line? “He looks like he’s going to a funeral. (Cash says: “Maybe I am”.)