Allow me to break it down for you. Pop-Tarts need an overhaul.
For many years, Pop-tarts have been available to the public, offering a completely unhealthy, yet tasty, breakfast alternative for those with an "on-the-go" lifestyle. The nice thing about Pop-Tarts is that it allows you to justify being too friggin' lazy to get your @$$ up and cook breakfast by implying the aforementioned "on-the-go" lifestyle. As a kid, I'd have taken Blueberry Pop-Tarts over eggs and bacon any day of the week. As an adult…not much has really changed.
In a nutshell, we've been given alternative choices with several products over the years: Oreos have given us multiple flavors, and most importantly, they gave us "Double Stuff" Oreos. If this isn't a sign that there is a God in Heaven, then you need to get to church, pal. By allowing us to indulge by doubling our stuff (I think "stuff" is also the technical term for the white crap). My idea for "Quad-Stuff Oreos" is the stuff of another blog.
Capt'n Crunch also, at one time, sold boxes of Crunch Berries WITH ONLY THE BERRIES. Someone out there is getting it, people. For the love of all that is holy, eating cereal devoid of the crunch, and just containing the berries is what dreams are made of, my friend.
With Pop-Tarts, I contend they also need to double their stuff, to create, as my esteemed colleague called it, a "Super-Tart", perhaps a "Mega-Tart". There's a science behind eating a Pop-Tart, so you can enjoy the filling.
1.) Eat the side crusts.
2.) Each "end crust" contains trace amounts of frosting. Select the side with the least, and eat that part next.
3.) Eat the remaining, frosting-laden end crust.
4.) You are now ready to eat the remainder of the Pop-Tart. Enjoy!
As an alternative, I have found that if you make two, you follow the same procedure, but stack the middle after you've annhilated the sides and ends. This creates a faux-Super-Tart. Fortunately, I have already organized a letter writing campaign to the good folks at Pop-Tart International. We are on fire right now with zero letters. At this rate, I expect the face of quick breakfast solutions to be changed by the year 2036. Who is with me?
4 comments:
Personally, I'm all for the eradication of breakfast.
Burgers and fries....steak and mashed potatoes....for every meal!
I'd have agreed with you until a couple years ago...
What about a 1/4 pound burger, an egg on it, with bacon strips? Throw some fries on the side, and voila!!!!!
Hey, nothing beats good ole eggs, bacon, bisuits, and hash browns (heart attack, here I come!) But, I have to admit, super-sized frosted strawberry pop tarts would definitely rock the house. Definitely.
Muscle, you, my friend, are down with the sickness. Congrats, 2 boxes of Blueberry Pop-Tarts are on the way.
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