Point/Counterpoint

College Football Replay Official vs. a Tivo

Ryan: There’s nothing quite like the thrill of having about 20 seconds to decide if some muscle-bound behemoth’s knee touched the ground before the ball crossed the line when they are traveling at the speed of light. Top that off with about 75,000 fans who will want to rape your wife and kill your first-born child if you get it wrong. My favorite part is that I don’t even get the feed that you people at home get…no, I get the feed off a jury-rigged Beta-max VCR that’s still-frame setting is so jumpy the players on the screen get a workout every time I hit pause. Every time I see some jackass talking about how great his DVR or Tivo is when watching football highlights I just want to shake him violently. Yeah…nothing like having to spend every waking moment worried that some crazed Oklahoma fan will jump out from around the corner and decapitate me to the tune of “Boomer Sooner”. But hey, the important thing is that I get the call right. Now excuse me while talk to my personal security chief…my daughter is having a birthday party and we have to install the metal detectors.

Steve (Tivo): With Tivo, at least this puts us, the fans, in a position to note how completely inept the officials really are. How bad do you have to be at your job if you can’t notice whether or not some muscle-bound behemoth’s knee touched the ground before the ball crossed the line when they are traveling at the speed of light? If I got paid to be an official, I’d have my Bluetooth on the whole time and have someone with Tivo on the line the whole time. The last thing I want is to have my wife raped and a dead kid on my hands. Not to mention the fact that it’s not 1973 anymore, how hard can it be to get that down to the field? When Brent Musberger can tell if a play was called incorrectly, how drunk are the officials? Brent can’t call a game without a bottle of Jack at his side. Jesus.

Lindsay Lohan vs. A quiet night at home

Ryan: Hey, Lindsay. This is your couch speaking. I know it’s been awhile since you’ve been here without some naked star-struck male model snorting a line of coke off your ass, but I feel the need to ask…when are you going to come home and spend a quiet night at home watching network TV and eating ice cream? God knows, your body needs some saturated fat to get you back to your “Mean Girls” public image peak. How many nights are you going to leave your 5,000 square foot home empty so you can bar-hop Hollywood’s finest clubs and sample the finest designer drugs while drinking yourself silly? I mean, if you aren’t careful, you are going to end up like Meg Ryan. So please, come home, put on some sweat pants, grab some chips and ice cream, and curl up on the couch. No booze, no drugs, and no men. And let’s try something new…let’s try setting your alarm clock, getting a good night’s sleep, and try to be on time for work tomorrow, or at least showing up for a few minutes. I’ll make an appointment with the butler to arrange to have your alarm clock set and your sheets turned back. I know it’s been awhile since you slept at home, so we’ll leave some post-it notes with arrows so you can follow them back to your room in case you forgot where it is.

Steve (Lindsay): I just got off the phone with Lindsay and will represent her, as she is quite busy right now prepping for a bukkake. I’m not sure Lindsay’s couch wants Lindsay to be sitting on it. I mean, take it from 9,385 customers. Also, take it from her Gynecologist. I hear she and Paris Hilton see the same one. Anyway, the appeal of sitting at home versus puking up Jello shots all night, well, you’ve gotta live, man. I mean, thin is in. You can’t remain nearly skeletal while you sit on your ass all night watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Lindsay is young, there will plenty of time to sit on the couch after multiple suicide attempts, sex tape scandals, and the AIDS. To quote Lindsay: “I was..but umm…hee hee, umm, I think…that guy is hot, wonder if he’s got any blow.”

Paris Hilton vs. A Gynecologist

Ryan: My god…what have you done to this poor thing? The damage…the carnage…the complete disregard for hygiene…you’d think this was used for a mosh pit at a Metallica concert or something. Don’t you have any respect for your body, or at the very least, respect for the elasticity of your vagina? I mean, it’s flexible, but you can’t just cram an object of any diameter in there…sorry, big word. Diameter…um, you can’t just cram every black guy you see in there. You need to work in some small ones too. But, preferably, you’d rest it for 12-24 hours between poundings.

Also, condoms can prevent STD’s…not just pregnancy. I don’t know if there’s any hope here, but I’ll do my best. Ok, now let me just get my safety cable, headlamp, and rappelling equipment and I’ll be ready to get started.

Steve (Paris): Hi. I’m Paris Hilton’s vagina. Allow me to step in here. Mr. Gyno-man, you may be concerned, but this is not your average axe-wound. I am a super-twat. Much like a boxer, I am used to taking a beating and coming back for more. You can’t be famous like me without working your way to the top. After a recent quadruple fisting, I was starting to think “is this all life has to offer?” After some reflection, I knew there was more to life. Ten, maybe twelve fists, for example. There are new heights to be reached, and my goals are lofty. Besides, you aren’t the first person to break out the safety cable. There are entire rescue teams down here looking for some homeless people. If you find a 1967 Mercury Cougar in here, let me know, please.

George Clooney for President vs. Oprah Winfrey for President

Ryan: First off, we have something for all you registered voters that came out today…that’s right!! Everyone in the audience who registers as a Democrat is going to get a GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL!! Yaayyyyy!!! Up next, we will be going to voters’ homes and surprising them with a camera and a bunch of bribes to up my public image!! Yaaaayyyyyyy!!! Also, did you notice that I am a black woman? Take that Condolezza Rice…you are the most powerful female political force on Earth, and I still have more power in my pudgy little digit than you do in your whole body. When is the last time you had a ravenous crowd clamoring for your choice of Book of the Month, or Recipe of the Month, or just to get a $4 toaster. In fact, I want Bush!! Bring him in here right now, and we’ll see if he can survive one hour of my show. It’s Oprah Time!!!

Steve (Clooney): I’ll be speaking for George, as he had some bukkake to go to…

George Clooney would win this in a landslide. Is it because he is smarter than Oprah? No. But every straight woman in America needs to ask themselves, “Who do you want to look at for the next 4-8 years?” Let’s see we’ve got two choices.

1.) George Clooney

2.) An ever-ballooning Oprah surrounded by Secret Service and various other handlers

I think the choice is clear. Clooney gets the desperate straight female vote, and the straight male vote as well. No straight man watches Oprah. If they do, they were forced to do so, or they are entrenched in the closet. Clooney is cool. He dates hot actresses, and always gets the girl. This election comes down to straight people versus gay people. This is not to bash homosexuals at all, it’s just that there are much better gay candidates out there…you have Ellen, Andy Dick, Hillary Clinton, and Howard Dean.

Mel Gibson is an anti-semite vs. Mel Gibson is a post-apocalyptic warrior, a Scottish revolutionary, and a Colonel in the American Revolutionary Army.

Ryan: Hi there. Mel Gibson here. Did you know that the website that this appears on is controlled by Jews? Seriously. This “Steve” guy? Big Jew. He’s the reason why the Huskers lose any game as near as I can tell. Typical Jew. I have been in many movies that you know and love, and you know what? Not one of them written or directed by a Jew. Not one. Nope…no Spielberg movies in my future. I know, I’m taking some bad press for hating Jews. So, as a change of pace, I think I’m going to hype my new movie “Apocalypto” by attacking the US Government…yeah, a little different I know as the Anti-Semitic theme for “The Passion of the Christ” was huge for it’s success, but I feel it’s time to broaden my horizons so this movie will focus on how the Jews killed the Native Americans instead of just how they killed our Lord and Savior. It doesn’t have much to do with the US Government, but I am attacking them since they the whole establishment is run by Jews. You didn’t know that? To raise awareness, I am releasing new versions of my best movies...in Mad Max I am fighting for my life in a post-apocalyptic nightmare world…run by Jews. In Braveheart, William Wallace is fighting for the independence of Scotland from their Jew oppressors, and in the “Patriot” I now kill those dirty Red Jew-Coats and stack them ten-high in an 8 hour marathon “director’s cut”. Did I mention I am batshit insane?

Steve (other Mel): I have a dog that I share cans of dog food with. I wear a kilt, and am a patriotic Australian playing an American Colonel. What’s not to love here? It’s evident that I am not a J…um, that I am an accomplished actor and good person, unlike the freakin’ J….the freakin’ j-j-JELLO eaters. Ah screw it, where’s Murtaugh?

Pope vs. Muslims

Steve (Pope): After having lunch with the Pope yesterday, it was amusing to see how this guy’s mind works. He knew just by mentioning Mohammed, that he was going to expose the “religion of peace”. Let’s see, Islamic faith has a history of violence, yet when that fact is mentioned people get all offended, shoot a nun in the back and set fire to churches. Yep! You showed us!! How dare the Pope say, oh, I don’t know, THE TRUTH. Look at another famous Muhammed. That’s right, I’m talkin’ Ali. He settled things violently as well and now look at him. He’s a glorified tree.

Ryan (Muslims): What? You, and agent of the Zionist West, dare call us violent? That nun we shot deserved to burn in the fires of hell for turning her life over to your so-called “god”. Allah is the one true God!! The Pope is nothing more than an American agent who is being controlled the Great Satan!! All Muslims understand that Allah is Peace, and that as soon as we suicide-bomb everyone into believing that, we can decapitate all the remaining non-believers and settle into our crowd of 72 virgins that we get for martyring ourselves in the name of love and killing your so-called “innocents”. The Pope is illiterate!! We are the truly educated ones!! Now, can you please send up some economic aid so we can steal it from our people?

George Bush vs. A Bush

Steve (George): G.W. here. Lookie there, I’m bein’ compared to a bush. I don’t get it, is that funny? I am a Bush. George dubya Bush. Leader of the free peoples of the republic of the empire of the states. You know. America. 9/11. Never forget what the Bush haters did to this country on that fatefulness-tic day. I protected America. A Bush, that’s right. Not a Clinton, or a Hitler, or Magic Johnson, but me, Georgie. I took the ball, and bounced passed it over to Congress, and we got ourselves a war going, we took a shot to the hoop and scored us a touchdown named Saddam. That’s a three-pointer, folks. I still don’t get it…I am a Bush. My daddy was a Bush and so was my grandfather. Ya ever eat at McDonald’s? I love those fries. Those fries are here because I protected you all from the Gee-hadists. You know, those crazy foreign-type guys over there. Not one McDonald’s was lost during my watch. You can print that. I’m a Bush.

Ryan (a Bush): Hi there. I am a bush…you know a shrub. I contribute greatly to the great circle of life on Earth. For example, I am being planted in Baghdad to distract people from the constant sound of gunfire and explosions, and to help pull attention away from the eyesores of bomb craters and severed limbs. In Afghanistan, I am being planted to help disguise the Opium plants from being discovered by overhead recon flights. In fact, I have even just been shipped to Lebanon so that Hezbollah can use my decorative fronds to camouflage their RPG rocket tubes while setting up the attack angles necessary to lob the rocket pod into a civilian apartment building. See what power a Bush can have on the human spirit?