Monday, October 23, 2006

Huskers, MotoGP

The Huskers lose a heartbreaker in Lincoln to the 5th ranked Texas Longhorns. I really thought this game was in the bag until the Nunn turnover. I can't blame Nunn at all. It was a solid hit, and it changed the football game. It happens, and I think that the players and coaches have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It was a great effort against a great team, and hopefully we will get a rematch in the conference championship.

Nicky Hayden and Dani Pedrosa have a tall order ahead of them in this weekend's final race in Valencia. Being teammates for Respol Honda, they encountered quite a bit of controversy when Pedrosa slid into Hayden on lap 5 in Portugal last week. That wreck took both out of the race, and sent Valentino Rossi ahead of Hayden in the points standing for this year's championship. The stars need to align for Nicky to take his first championship. The sad thing: it's the last race of the year.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Network TV Sucks

I'm taking time out of my schedule today to discuss network TV with you. Feel lucky, my friends, as I was very busy planning to launch a nuke of my own.



Whatever. Anyways, why does network TV suck so bad? Cable, as a whole, has been able to carve out a niche for itself in lots of different ways. What has network TV carved?

1.) CSI series representing the 328 most populous cities in America. CSI: Flint is particularly gritty, but come on people.
2.) Outdated network news format. Katie Couric, yay! Really, who cares? I can get news at any moment off of CNN or Foxnews and get a healthy dose of biased news from both sides of the aisle.
3.) Reality shows. I've travelled down this road before. They aren't "real", and they are an absolute abomination. Survivor? It has to resort to racism for ratings. Big Brother? The chick factor is the only redeeming factor. The Amazing it still on? If I want reality television, I will turn it off and stare at it.
4.) Medical dramas. House? "Hi, I yell at patients violently, and am an emotional loose cannon". I know I like all my medical professionals to be teetering on the verge of wiping out an entire shopping mall with a chain gun. ER? John Stamos. Really?
5.) Jay Leno. "Nuff said.

What IS good about network TV?

1.) Heroes. An original drama, with a non-cheesy take on people with "powers". Like a great (cable) show, Battlestar Galactica, Heroes is in a genre that is historically dorky, and making it extremely watchable to fans of said genre, as well as the mainstream. Nicely done. I wonder how long it takes for some network suit to come in and push ideas that his 15 year old LSD-induced son brings to him.
2.) The Office. I know, there's a BBC version. I've never seen it, and will not judge it until I have. I have, however, seen every episode of the American version on NBC. It's easily the funniest show on right now. It's laugh out loud funny, and that is rare when you can't turn the channel without catching CSI: Modesto. The casting is perfect, and I am hoping it stays on TV for years to come.
3.) Lost. I've never seen it. I defer to my friends and wife on this one. We own season one and my friend Ryan owns season two, so I may need to catch up.
4.) Letterman and Conan. Again, 'nuff said.

What is "okay" but could be better?

Sports coverage. It is shoddy, at best, and with commercial breaks every 18 seconds, it really makes me love my DVR. Next blog: why cable is better! Be on the lookout for this in the next 10-12 weeks.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


College Football Replay Official vs. a Tivo

Ryan: There’s nothing quite like the thrill of having about 20 seconds to decide if some muscle-bound behemoth’s knee touched the ground before the ball crossed the line when they are traveling at the speed of light. Top that off with about 75,000 fans who will want to rape your wife and kill your first-born child if you get it wrong. My favorite part is that I don’t even get the feed that you people at home get…no, I get the feed off a jury-rigged Beta-max VCR that’s still-frame setting is so jumpy the players on the screen get a workout every time I hit pause. Every time I see some jackass talking about how great his DVR or Tivo is when watching football highlights I just want to shake him violently. Yeah…nothing like having to spend every waking moment worried that some crazed Oklahoma fan will jump out from around the corner and decapitate me to the tune of “Boomer Sooner”. But hey, the important thing is that I get the call right. Now excuse me while talk to my personal security chief…my daughter is having a birthday party and we have to install the metal detectors.

Steve (Tivo): With Tivo, at least this puts us, the fans, in a position to note how completely inept the officials really are. How bad do you have to be at your job if you can’t notice whether or not some muscle-bound behemoth’s knee touched the ground before the ball crossed the line when they are traveling at the speed of light? If I got paid to be an official, I’d have my Bluetooth on the whole time and have someone with Tivo on the line the whole time. The last thing I want is to have my wife raped and a dead kid on my hands. Not to mention the fact that it’s not 1973 anymore, how hard can it be to get that down to the field? When Brent Musberger can tell if a play was called incorrectly, how drunk are the officials? Brent can’t call a game without a bottle of Jack at his side. Jesus.

Lindsay Lohan vs. A quiet night at home

Ryan: Hey, Lindsay. This is your couch speaking. I know it’s been awhile since you’ve been here without some naked star-struck male model snorting a line of coke off your ass, but I feel the need to ask…when are you going to come home and spend a quiet night at home watching network TV and eating ice cream? God knows, your body needs some saturated fat to get you back to your “Mean Girls” public image peak. How many nights are you going to leave your 5,000 square foot home empty so you can bar-hop Hollywood’s finest clubs and sample the finest designer drugs while drinking yourself silly? I mean, if you aren’t careful, you are going to end up like Meg Ryan. So please, come home, put on some sweat pants, grab some chips and ice cream, and curl up on the couch. No booze, no drugs, and no men. And let’s try something new…let’s try setting your alarm clock, getting a good night’s sleep, and try to be on time for work tomorrow, or at least showing up for a few minutes. I’ll make an appointment with the butler to arrange to have your alarm clock set and your sheets turned back. I know it’s been awhile since you slept at home, so we’ll leave some post-it notes with arrows so you can follow them back to your room in case you forgot where it is.

Steve (Lindsay): I just got off the phone with Lindsay and will represent her, as she is quite busy right now prepping for a bukkake. I’m not sure Lindsay’s couch wants Lindsay to be sitting on it. I mean, take it from 9,385 customers. Also, take it from her Gynecologist. I hear she and Paris Hilton see the same one. Anyway, the appeal of sitting at home versus puking up Jello shots all night, well, you’ve gotta live, man. I mean, thin is in. You can’t remain nearly skeletal while you sit on your ass all night watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Lindsay is young, there will plenty of time to sit on the couch after multiple suicide attempts, sex tape scandals, and the AIDS. To quote Lindsay: “I was..but umm…hee hee, umm, I think…that guy is hot, wonder if he’s got any blow.”

Paris Hilton vs. A Gynecologist

Ryan: My god…what have you done to this poor thing? The damage…the carnage…the complete disregard for hygiene…you’d think this was used for a mosh pit at a Metallica concert or something. Don’t you have any respect for your body, or at the very least, respect for the elasticity of your vagina? I mean, it’s flexible, but you can’t just cram an object of any diameter in there…sorry, big word. Diameter…um, you can’t just cram every black guy you see in there. You need to work in some small ones too. But, preferably, you’d rest it for 12-24 hours between poundings.

Also, condoms can prevent STD’s…not just pregnancy. I don’t know if there’s any hope here, but I’ll do my best. Ok, now let me just get my safety cable, headlamp, and rappelling equipment and I’ll be ready to get started.

Steve (Paris): Hi. I’m Paris Hilton’s vagina. Allow me to step in here. Mr. Gyno-man, you may be concerned, but this is not your average axe-wound. I am a super-twat. Much like a boxer, I am used to taking a beating and coming back for more. You can’t be famous like me without working your way to the top. After a recent quadruple fisting, I was starting to think “is this all life has to offer?” After some reflection, I knew there was more to life. Ten, maybe twelve fists, for example. There are new heights to be reached, and my goals are lofty. Besides, you aren’t the first person to break out the safety cable. There are entire rescue teams down here looking for some homeless people. If you find a 1967 Mercury Cougar in here, let me know, please.

George Clooney for President vs. Oprah Winfrey for President

Ryan: First off, we have something for all you registered voters that came out today…that’s right!! Everyone in the audience who registers as a Democrat is going to get a GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL!! Yaayyyyy!!! Up next, we will be going to voters’ homes and surprising them with a camera and a bunch of bribes to up my public image!! Yaaaayyyyyyy!!! Also, did you notice that I am a black woman? Take that Condolezza Rice…you are the most powerful female political force on Earth, and I still have more power in my pudgy little digit than you do in your whole body. When is the last time you had a ravenous crowd clamoring for your choice of Book of the Month, or Recipe of the Month, or just to get a $4 toaster. In fact, I want Bush!! Bring him in here right now, and we’ll see if he can survive one hour of my show. It’s Oprah Time!!!

Steve (Clooney): I’ll be speaking for George, as he had some bukkake to go to…

George Clooney would win this in a landslide. Is it because he is smarter than Oprah? No. But every straight woman in America needs to ask themselves, “Who do you want to look at for the next 4-8 years?” Let’s see we’ve got two choices.

1.) George Clooney

2.) An ever-ballooning Oprah surrounded by Secret Service and various other handlers

I think the choice is clear. Clooney gets the desperate straight female vote, and the straight male vote as well. No straight man watches Oprah. If they do, they were forced to do so, or they are entrenched in the closet. Clooney is cool. He dates hot actresses, and always gets the girl. This election comes down to straight people versus gay people. This is not to bash homosexuals at all, it’s just that there are much better gay candidates out there…you have Ellen, Andy Dick, Hillary Clinton, and Howard Dean.

Mel Gibson is an anti-semite vs. Mel Gibson is a post-apocalyptic warrior, a Scottish revolutionary, and a Colonel in the American Revolutionary Army.

Ryan: Hi there. Mel Gibson here. Did you know that the website that this appears on is controlled by Jews? Seriously. This “Steve” guy? Big Jew. He’s the reason why the Huskers lose any game as near as I can tell. Typical Jew. I have been in many movies that you know and love, and you know what? Not one of them written or directed by a Jew. Not one. Nope…no Spielberg movies in my future. I know, I’m taking some bad press for hating Jews. So, as a change of pace, I think I’m going to hype my new movie “Apocalypto” by attacking the US Government…yeah, a little different I know as the Anti-Semitic theme for “The Passion of the Christ” was huge for it’s success, but I feel it’s time to broaden my horizons so this movie will focus on how the Jews killed the Native Americans instead of just how they killed our Lord and Savior. It doesn’t have much to do with the US Government, but I am attacking them since they the whole establishment is run by Jews. You didn’t know that? To raise awareness, I am releasing new versions of my best Mad Max I am fighting for my life in a post-apocalyptic nightmare world…run by Jews. In Braveheart, William Wallace is fighting for the independence of Scotland from their Jew oppressors, and in the “Patriot” I now kill those dirty Red Jew-Coats and stack them ten-high in an 8 hour marathon “director’s cut”. Did I mention I am batshit insane?

Steve (other Mel): I have a dog that I share cans of dog food with. I wear a kilt, and am a patriotic Australian playing an American Colonel. What’s not to love here? It’s evident that I am not a J…um, that I am an accomplished actor and good person, unlike the freakin’ J….the freakin’ j-j-JELLO eaters. Ah screw it, where’s Murtaugh?

Pope vs. Muslims

Steve (Pope): After having lunch with the Pope yesterday, it was amusing to see how this guy’s mind works. He knew just by mentioning Mohammed, that he was going to expose the “religion of peace”. Let’s see, Islamic faith has a history of violence, yet when that fact is mentioned people get all offended, shoot a nun in the back and set fire to churches. Yep! You showed us!! How dare the Pope say, oh, I don’t know, THE TRUTH. Look at another famous Muhammed. That’s right, I’m talkin’ Ali. He settled things violently as well and now look at him. He’s a glorified tree.

Ryan (Muslims): What? You, and agent of the Zionist West, dare call us violent? That nun we shot deserved to burn in the fires of hell for turning her life over to your so-called “god”. Allah is the one true God!! The Pope is nothing more than an American agent who is being controlled the Great Satan!! All Muslims understand that Allah is Peace, and that as soon as we suicide-bomb everyone into believing that, we can decapitate all the remaining non-believers and settle into our crowd of 72 virgins that we get for martyring ourselves in the name of love and killing your so-called “innocents”. The Pope is illiterate!! We are the truly educated ones!! Now, can you please send up some economic aid so we can steal it from our people?

George Bush vs. A Bush

Steve (George): G.W. here. Lookie there, I’m bein’ compared to a bush. I don’t get it, is that funny? I am a Bush. George dubya Bush. Leader of the free peoples of the republic of the empire of the states. You know. America. 9/11. Never forget what the Bush haters did to this country on that fatefulness-tic day. I protected America. A Bush, that’s right. Not a Clinton, or a Hitler, or Magic Johnson, but me, Georgie. I took the ball, and bounced passed it over to Congress, and we got ourselves a war going, we took a shot to the hoop and scored us a touchdown named Saddam. That’s a three-pointer, folks. I still don’t get it…I am a Bush. My daddy was a Bush and so was my grandfather. Ya ever eat at McDonald’s? I love those fries. Those fries are here because I protected you all from the Gee-hadists. You know, those crazy foreign-type guys over there. Not one McDonald’s was lost during my watch. You can print that. I’m a Bush.

Ryan (a Bush): Hi there. I am a bush…you know a shrub. I contribute greatly to the great circle of life on Earth. For example, I am being planted in Baghdad to distract people from the constant sound of gunfire and explosions, and to help pull attention away from the eyesores of bomb craters and severed limbs. In Afghanistan, I am being planted to help disguise the Opium plants from being discovered by overhead recon flights. In fact, I have even just been shipped to Lebanon so that Hezbollah can use my decorative fronds to camouflage their RPG rocket tubes while setting up the attack angles necessary to lob the rocket pod into a civilian apartment building. See what power a Bush can have on the human spirit?

Monday, October 02, 2006

More Crud...

I love taking Internet breaks. They are great for clarity, as well as to have a lot of hate mail waiting for you. In this case, a lot equals 7. It's all primarily like the blog I dedicated to other hate mail two posts ago. Now it's boring, and unoriginal. If anything original comes out of the mail, I'll post it and address it in a future blog.


Ok, we all know better than that. Now, I agree with the backpedal brigade, KU is better than people give/gave them credit for. That being said, they are not a national powerhouse at all. So what does that mean? Personally, I think NU underestimated them. I also think we have some glaring problems defensively.

The same people who predicted an absolute blowout against KU are now predicting a huge blowout against ISU. What have the Huskers proven?

1.) We can knock shitty teams around like red-headed step kids.
2.) We are not winning against quality opponents, and are barely winning against a Kansas team that is unranked in the the AP or Coaches polls.

A win is a win, right? I know, unless Frank Solich is the coach, then winning ugly is a big deal. Again, Solich deserved the axe, and got it a year too late, but to the ITG's...where is the consistency? It's ok for Callahan to win ugly? Exposed.

I think that Callahan is on the right track, and so are the players. Having a tight game like this might slap some reality into them, meaning that we don't underestimate any opponents. ISU is one of the most inconsistent teams out there, and they tend to be fired up when playing two teams: Iowa and Nebraska. They have a couple receivers that are pretty good, and our secondary will not get the job done if we aren't applying pressure to the QB early and often.

Beyond that is Mizzou and Texas. This season entered Chapter 2 last weekend, and it continues from here on out. Nebraska has the tools, and need to be allowed to use them.

My girlfriend, Hardcharger, was talking out of his @$$ again...

"Herian's blocking has been quite poor."

Hahahahehhehahahehehshshahahaha. Oh...sorry. Well, Hard, what does Coach Callahan think?

Three games into his comeback season, senior tight end Matt Herian has impressed Callahan the most with his blocking ability, the coach said. “He’s blocking more physical and more tenacious now than what he did a couple of years ago,” Callahan said.

Next. (Thanks to you know who for pointing that out).

I saw an awesome movie last night...The Score with Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton, and Marlon Brando. Buy it, rent it, I don't care, just watch it.

The Office is starting off just as good this year as it was last year.