Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Human Centipede

All right, let's get something straight.  Some movies should not be made, which is to say that some movies should not be watched.  I mean, if you don't make it, you can't watch it, right?

The Human Centipede is brought to us by people who hate.  Pretty simple, really, they are pure evil.  The kind of evil that is brought to you by old ladies at the grocery store who start fishing for their checkbook AFTER the cashier has scanned 200 dollars worth of Werther's, Depends, and hard candy (to be stored for a minimum of 15 years prior to being put into a dish).

Ashley C. Williams, rawr.
This movie features the creepiest guy on the planet playing an evil doctor who wants to sew three people together...centipede-style.  This means that there is a front, middle, and end.  The middle and end have the distinct joy of being sewn to the BUTTHOLE of the person they are behind.

Sounding like a great idea?  It really isn't.

The good: the evil Doctor was a bit over the top in his acting, but as far as creepy looks go, he wins.  He was like a tall, frail Hitler.  Also good was Ashley C. Williams as "Lindsey".  I might be a touch biased because she was hot.

The bad: all the Japanese screaming.  Our friend at the front of the human centipede was a Japanese male who screamed so much, it made me not want to watch Ninja Warrior ever again.  Also bad was the character of Jenny.  Within her first few minutes of screen time, I was begging her to be put in a sleeping bag and smashed against a tree, Jason Voorhees-style.  The rest of the bad was the rest of the movie.

Save yourself.  If you don't have a strong stomach, you will dislike this movie.  I do not have a strong stomach, and this movie is my new weight loss technique.  If you do have a strong stomach, and like creepy thrillers, I would rate this fairly high, to be honest.

I am going to watch Teletubbies to try and see what kind of shock I can provide to my system.

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