Monday, November 28, 2005


First things first. A couple blogs ago, I said we do not have any evidence of "blowout victory".

We do now.

The Nebraska/Colorado game was artwork on virtually every level. One game does not a successful program make. But I know I have no problem with it! Keep this level of play up, and it's back to dominating consistently. Hats off to the Huskers!

Michael Irvin was busted with another drug charge. REALLY?? Wow, that's like being surprised when Lawrence Phillips gets arrested for...well, anything. They need to breakdown news stories into categories.

1.) Actual News.
2.) Same Old Crap.

Mr. Irvin is relegated to number 2 status. Well done, you stupid addict.

The Saddam Hussein trial starts, then stops again. There are few instances where a trial should be circumvented. For example, when a person is on video, taking their neighbors eyes out with a spoon, or if you are a former dictator who killed countless thousands of your people. This farce is going to last entirely too long.

In Rock and Roll Hall of Fame news, inductees included this year:

1.) Black Sabbath. Hmm. Not sure here. Iron Man is catchy, but that whole drugged out Satanic thing was overrated to begin with.
2.) Miles Davis. For sure, get him in there!
3.) Sex Pistols. I still think this is a joke by the Associated Press. I mean, come on.
4.) Blondie. The man from Mars is through with cars.
5.) Lynyrd Skynyrd. Heck yeah! It's about time, too.


Friday, November 11, 2005


Mortal Kombat series vs. Grand Theft Auto series

Ryan: I'm going with Grand Theft Auto. I realize that Mortal Kombat was the first of the "offensive games", but Grand Theft Auto has taken it to a whole new level. Sleeping with prostitutes, drive by shootings, and gang warfare aren't optional, you HAVE to do them. You can just kill innocent civilians at will, and then kill the cops! In fact, one of the best pastimes for fans of the game is to just indiscriminately kill everyone possible until the cops, FBI, even army are sent out to take you down. I once killed 1,000 people before I was taken out by an army helicopter. Rumor has it there is a mod that makes sex with your girlfriend a mini-game. Grand Theft auto is raising a whole generation of kids, the generation that will plunge our society into an extended darkness. I can't wait until the sequel comes out!!

Steve: You know, GTA has nowhere near the CREATIVE appeal that Mortal Kombat has. If I want GTA-style action, I can go to the closet, break out a couple of firearms, and hit the shopping mall. However, I can't put on my rice hat, and teleport behind you, then nail you with electricity that comes from MY HANDS. Or after pummeling you repeatedly, I'm not confident I could, in real life, grab you by the throat and pull your head off with your spine dangling, dripping gallons of blood. Real life scenarios aren't why one should play video games. Pr0stitutes, or beating the crap out of a four-armed Shokan warrior? Maybe you're right...

Disappointment of Iowa Fans Vs. Disappointment of Nebraska Fans

Ryan: Of course I'm going with Iowa. This was supposed to be the year that we became the dominant team in the Big 10, or at least secured our place with Michigan and Ohio St. as the annual teams to beat. We were the sexy pick for the national championship or at least the Big 10 title. But, after embarrassing losses to Iowa St. and Ohio St, an injury to our best receiver (Ed Hinkel), and losing two games that we led in the fourth quarter to Michigan and Northwestern (the first two times that Iowa has ever lost under Ferentz when leading after 3 quarters), I'd say that this season has been a miserable, over-hyped disappointment. Now we have to go to Wisconsin and win during Barry Alvarez's last home game and beat a pesky Minnesota team just to get a better bowl game than playing the MAC champion in the Motor City Bowl. PUKE. And now, the over-hype machine is starting to roll for basketball, which "should" "compete" for the Big 10 "title". Or, as I like to call it, be the best looking team in the NIT. Someone save me from this hype!

Steve: The disappointment of Nebraska fans is much worse, because it boils down to this: Nebraska has been consistently successful. Iowa has always been a schizo team. No one knows from one year to the next whether they will suck or not. With the Huskers expectations are being lowered from the kool-aid drinkers, while old timers find what is happening now inexcusable. This makes it a tough time to be a Husker fan. The fan base is polarized, while Iowa's fan base is used to complacency. :-)

Squeezing blood from a turnip vs. Nailing Jell-O to a tree

Ryan: Blood from a turnip. You know why? You can actually squeeze blood from a turnip. I've done it. It's called getting Scott Kilgore (our old boss) to give you a warranted compliment without also trying to tear you down. Wait, did that happen? Maybe I'm getting that confused with this dream I had where he disemboweled me in a field of bloody turnips. I get confused sometimes.

Steve: Nailing Jell-O to a tree. Why? I've also done it. It's called trying to reason with Scott Kilgore over...well...anything. "Hi Scott, we had a record night in sales lastnight, and we had zero turnover for the week!" I say. He replies, "Records aren't good enough, in fact nothing is good enough, try calling me back and telling me something impressive, like you just beat the crap out of God and stole his bike. Ingrate."

I guess the only consolation is the "relationship" I had with his wife.

Terrell Owens vs. The Eagles

Ryan: I'm going with Terrell Owens believe it or not. You know why? He is going to sit at home the rest of the year, and still make millions. You have to respect that. He doesn't even have to play, and he's making more than most players that kill themselves every week do. In fact, I'm starting to even respect T.O. a little....oh, wait, that's just gas from eating Mexican food today. Sorry.

Steve: I have to go with the Eagles for the fact that they get to take a guy and sit him out because of attitude. The beauty is Owens will, more than likely, sit back, blow his money, then end up playing for some crappy team making crappy money because he let his ego in the way. He will die broke, and will possibly be driven to substance abuse, robbing convenience stores to fund his latest fix. Enjoy your vacation, Terrell!

d Hate vs. Unquenchable Greed

Ryan: I'm going with unbridled hate. Besides, who is actually making these bridles for hate anyway? Yoda? What do they look like? I just think that anyone with enough hate in their heart can let it out and destroy anyone and anything. If you have hate in your heart, let it out!! You know, this is kind of like the terrorists vs. the oil companies now that I think about it. Did I just side with terrorists?

Steve: Unquenchable greed wins this, easily! With this type of affliction, you will be able to buy happiness as close as your nearest ghetto street corner. With greed, you are far too busy trying to acquire rather than focusing on hate. Hate gives you such blind rage that you get sloppy. With my good friend greed, you can systematically destroy things and people around you in a much more meticulous, rewarding manner. Once I hated a guy so much, I beat the crap out of him. Another guy I felt similarly about, received the honor of me stealing his girlfriend, who was using his car and credit card for a date. Hate is uncontrollable power, greed is vindictave, and causes greater long-term damage. Can I borrow a dollar?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Piston's Win, Husker Fans Lose

Maurice Evans (pictured) and the Detroit Pistons are 4-0 thus far! They beat Sacramento last night IN Sacramento for the first time since 1996.

An interesting note: during the team introductions before the game, when Detroit was introduced last night, thery played a video montage showing abandoned buildings, burned-out cars, etc. Coach Flip was none too happy, and rightfully so. I mean, the city of Detroit certainly does have a stigma attached to it, but to perpetuate that during a sporting event is not classy at all. Detroit received an apology.

I guess if you are going to lose by 14 to the best team in the league, you have to make your shots in ways that don't include a ball and a hoop.

Things are a regular laugh-riot in Huskerland. People are going absolutely ape$#!+ over the loss to Kansas. I understand as well as anyone the frustration in losing to...Kansas. It's hard to type, and it's even harder to say outloud. However, it happened.

This week people (fans/media) are really putting some pressure on the defense. I saw these stats on a message board...

In 2004 conference play, NU defense allowed:30 PPG and 421 total yards per game.Team finished 3-5 in conference play.

Through 6 conference games in 2005, allowing:30 PPG and 388 total yards per game.Team currently sits at 2-4 in conference play.

Very interesting. I feel the defense (and it's pretty obvious) has slacked the last couple games, but I'm having a hard time blaming them. Let's look at the mentality for a minute...forget X's and O's and talent-factor, these guys played quite well early in the year. How much can we expect the defense to continue to carry a ball club whose offense is more dismal this year than last? If I am a blackshirt, I have to start asking "What's the point? We aren't going to score, anyway."

Offensively, Zac Taylor has proven to be a better QB. Let's look at QB stats through 9 games last year, and this year:

2004: 119/255, 46.7% completion, 1677 yards, 15 TD's and 18 picks.
2005: 176/327, 53.8% completion, 1892 yards, 13 TD's, and 10 picks.

Overall, a better performance. The problem is the rushing game. It's not that we aren't attempting to rush, the thing I find frustrating is we aren't solving the rushing attack.

Again, through 9 games:

2004: 349 carries, 1671 (net) yards, 4.79 per carry, and 17 TD's.
2005: 308 carries, 825 (net) yards, 2.75 per carry, and only 7 TD's.

Wow. Our line has to be able to provide opportunities for Zac to get the ball off without feeling like he's being stalked by Steve Pederson groupies, and they have to make some holes for Ross to run through. Note the difference between saying our players suck, and making an observation.

People are starting to say that Callahan needs to start worrying about his job. I say forget that. All along I've said that this is not the season we are going to start shining in. Next year, I expect significant improvements, but you don't install a new offensive scheme overnight. Even the kool-aid girls go into full meltdown mode after virtually every game, whining about the poor playing. These are the same people who complain about the PLAYERS consistently, yet "support the program".

Whatever. Pretenders. You don't support a program unless you support the people involved with it. Specifically, that's coaches on down. Not Athletic Directors or even Chancellors. The program consists of people putting in blood, sweat, and tears on a daily basis. Not some suit who, when Nebraska wins, never hesitates to be visible, but after losses is hard to find. This is a perplexing trend. If I was Callahan, I'd worry about that.

Regardless, the Huskers will continue to play poorly this season, and could very well lose to KSU and to :::shudder::: Colorado. I hope they do not, but we don't have evidence that says "blowout victory".

This team needs us to root for them, and critique it in a way that isn't demoralizing and acting as if the world is ending. Let's hope for a re-energized defense, and some blocking up front. We see that, and our chances are much better than they were last Saturday.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


Ryan sent some gems over recently, and we have more on the way!

Suicide bombers vs. Carpet bombers

Ryan: Nothing says loving like a good old fashioned carpet bombing. The firestorm of Dresden is a great example of how thousands and thousands of bombs can incinerate all people, places, and things in an entire city!! In fact, we probably wouldn't have won WWII if we didn't carpet bomb. That's how the USA should solve all relations with all nations that disagree...immediately carpet bomb their 10 largest cities!! I can't imagine it would be much worse than our current foreign policy...

Steve: Carpet bombing is NOTHING compared to the gruesome-ness of a suicide (homicide) bomber. Carpet bombing certainly has its place, without question. However, the bombers aren't really getting their hands dirty. A suicide (homicide) bomber gets his hands dirty, but digging in the trenches, as it were. He gets to take clear advantage of the fruits of his labors by having his entire body fly apart in a bloody, bone-splitting manner. Nothing says committment like eating soup at a sidewalk cafe and having a suicide (homicide) bombers eye fall onto your spoon after he decided to let go.

Christian Bale and George Clooney as Batman vs. Michael Keaton and Val Kilmer as Batman (tag team match)

Ryan: Will Adam West be the special guest referee? I say Bale and Clooney just because Bale was awesome as Batman and Clooney could've been good if the movie wasn't directed by a child with a moderate level of rational thought. I know I'm picking against Lindsey Lohan's Dad in "Herbie: Fully Loaded", but come on...what happened Mr. Keaton?

Steve: I go with Keaton and Kilmer because Keaton is...well, he's Keaton, and Kilmer was Doc Holliday in one of the best movies of all time. People fail to understand that Keaton was blacklisted from a lot of different projects when he declined to reprise his role as Batman after Batman Returns. The guy is a phenomenal actor, and Kilmer's Tombstone performance alone outshines anything that George "I'm a smug piece of crap who is very much in love with my head-tilt" Clooney. Bale is awesome, but teamed with Clooney, he gets over-shadowed by a guy who probably has his own picture in his wallet.

George Bush selection of new Supreme Court Justice vs. PowerBall selection of new Supreme Court Justice

Ryan: Powerball baby!! At least then we wouldn't have the most jaded and ridiculous selection process on Earth. Consider, we actually pick people to sit on the Supreme Court, the branch of government that interprets the Constitution, by trying to find people who appear moderate but actually have pre-conceived opinions to cases that haven't even happened yet!! You know what? The best thing that could happen to the Supreme Court is to have a career truck driver named Virgil Clive be a justice on the Supreme Court. I can't wait to read his opinions!!

Steve: I go with George selecting his picks for the sole reason that I tend to feel better when I make my choices in life after watching Bush make ANY choice. When he picked that old lady, I felt so much better about my choosing to have all the rain forests mowed down, or choosing the Huskers to win over, oh I don't know, KANSAS.

Angelina Jolie is a great humanitarian vs. Angelina Jolie is a dirty, homewrecking (word that rhymes with "boar")

Ryan: I'm going to leave you with what you want here, so I'm going to begrudgingly say that at least she did adopt an Ethiopian boy. And then handed him over to her staff of nannies and sets up his allowance through her agent.

Steve: I go with the homewrecker. Nothing cries "AWWW YEAH" like Angelina when she sets her sights on some fresh married beefsteak. Going with this opens us up to the possibility of tabloid pictures in compromising situations, as well. I'm waiting for her to have some home movies stolen.

Bill Callahan throat slash "gesture" vs. Bill Callahan actually cutting a ref's throat

Ryan: I think the most effective thing to improve ref's calls would be the actual death of a referee at the hands of a coach. I think a throat-slashing would be a great way to go. The call happens, the ref backs up to the line, and then Callahan pulls out a shiv, cuts the throat, and then palms it to his defensive coordinator and tries to deny the slashing even though it's all over the jumbotron. Sorry, ref...that's not a reviewable call. No flag, FIRST DOWN!!!

Steve: I concede on this one. Sharpen up.

Pic farked up (quite nicely) by TwilightendZone

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Pistons Destroy Sixers

Detroit opened up the regular season lastnight by slapping the living crud out of the Philadelphia 76'ers. It was a thing of beauty, to be sure. Crybaby Iverson, while scoring well, apparently showed some negative emotion towards his teammates on the court. Does this surprise anyone? The guy is one traffic stop from being a felon.
For the Pistons, Richard Hamilton had a great night with 37 points, and Chauncey Billups pitched in with 12 points and 10 assists.

An excellent game recap can be found by clicking here.

Friday, Detroit squares off against the Celtics.

In "No One But The Media Cares...and Maybe Jack Nicholson" news, Kobe Bryant led the Lakers to a victory lastnight, giving Phil "I need the job" Jackson a win on his opening game back with Los Angeles. I am very excited to read all of the drama that's sure to come up this year between Kobe and Phil. I'm hoping that I can read that Kobe and Phil, after a month of ego problems, decided that they were secretly in love, and decided to leave the NBA altogether so they could skinny dip in the Arctic.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


My friend Ryan and I have heated debates on many serious social issues. Here is our latest...

Minnesota Vikings sex boat scandal vs. "Scooter" Libby CIA leak scandal

Steve: Nothing, until now, has made me a fan of the Vikings. This one is short and sweet: I want to party with those guys. CIA leak scandal? The only people who care about this is the press. Everytime I hear about it, I think "Genocide in Africa on page 792".

Ryan: Nothing says "class" like leaving used condoms for other people to clean up. What a country we live in. A high-level government official is basically guilty of treason, but no, the top scandal of the week is a bunch of black dudes screw cheerleaders and leave used condoms for others to clean up. Doesn't that happen everyday?

Faith in God vs. Faith in Money

Steve: I love money. I love it very much. It's as if I was destined to run the Denver mint, and concoct the ultimate scheme. That being said, should I enjoy the money and make it a priority? This runs the risk of eternal damnation, which for me would be a locked room playing Air Supply's greatest hits whilst McCart farts on my face with Kilgore (our old bosses) screaming in the background.

Ryan: Nice one, that is a scary version of hell. I'm going to have to go with Faith in Money though, because at least if that happens I might accumulate more than Kilgore and McCart, and then I can fart in THEIR faces in hell. Now, that's my idea of heaven!!!

Sesame Street is poisoning our youth vs. Sesame Street is important for child development

Steve: Sesame Street, comparitively, has done much more for our youth than, say, the Backstreet Boys, N Sync, 98 Degrees, and Britney Spears. Jim Jones really knows how to poison youth. Besides, having had a child that went through the Sesame Street phase, nothing relieves you more when she says "No I don't want to watch that, it's for little kids". Now if we go just muppets, then we need to discuss Miss Piggy. The only reason there is ANY forgiveness is the whole "Yoda's voice" factor. "Sucks, Miss Piggy does, yes".

Ryan: Woah, you have issues dude. Anyway, any show that has a pimp (they call him the count), and drug-addicted elephant (yes, "Snuffy") a gay couple taking baths together (Hi, Bert and Ernie) and that labels all homeless people as "grouches" might need to be "reworked". Although, I shudder to think of a cleansed Sesame Street with "Politically correct values and ideas".

Salsa versus guacamole

Ryan: Salsa all the way. What the hell is guacamole anyway? I'll tell you. It's that stuff that people say, "what the hell is that? Can't I just have some salsa?" Plus, it's good for you, or so the salsa companies tell me. In fact, there is a man from the Pace corporation standing right behind me telling me that Salsa is far superior. Hey, take it easy with that hot poker, salsa-man!!

Steve: Guacamole, whilst looking like baby poop, is at least TWICE as good as salsa. When I eat salsa, I always have the same reaction: "Mmm, pretty good." However, a good guacamole dip will always solicit this reaction: "Holy F bomb! That $#!+ is AWESOME!!!" Why am I the authority? Look at my stomach. Okay, now look at Ryan's. Let me know when you find it.

Taliban versus Iraqi militants

Ryan: Tough one. I'm going to have to go with the steadfast determination of the Taliban, because they are still claiming ownership and sovereignty in Afghanistan!! Perhaps they didn't notice the election and the fact that they weren't on the ballot, or the fact that their passcode doesn't open the palace doors anymore. But, no matter, they are still there, fighting tooth and nail to be the proud rulers of...a bunch of rock and useless land. Now that's patriotism..

Steve: Iraqi militants get all the press. I know that if I am in Afghanistan, and a taliban nutjob straps a white phosphorous grenade to his sack and blows himself and 13 other up, it's not going to get as much airplay. After all, America was pretty united in going into Afghanistan. Iraq, however, gets the designation of "WTF". An Iraqi homicide bomber (no, it's not suicide), is always going to be making Katie Couric get all serious every time. It's like a band signed by a huge music label (Iraq) versus the local band led by singer Joe Duffy (Taliban).

Ronald Reagan's corpse versus a couch

Ryan: Ronald Reagan's corpse. Are we talking on what's more comfortable to sit on? Then yes, definitely, Ronald Reagan. Anyone who has sat on my couch would agree that his corpse..any corpse, is more comfortable. And, finally, it would be ok for my dog to eat the couch!!

Steve: I am going with the couch, only because if you get the right couch, you could store the corpse. 'Nuff said.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Nebraska Slasher!

During Nebraska's loss to the Oklahoma Sooners on Saturday, Husker coach Bill Callahan made a gesture that is causing a lot of heat in Huskerland.

According to some, he is making the old "throat slit" gesture to an official.

I have to pause for a moment while I try to figure out what the hell is wrong with our fans.

Ok, I am back. We'll get to the rabid kool-aid drinkers and the constant critics in a second.

"I'm sure that the damage is already done out there, but I think it's blown out of proportion," Callahan said. "I don't know where we get all these gang symbols and all. This is gesture-gate or something. I don't know where it's coming from. I got emotional and I didn't like what I saw."

He continues...

"I talked to the supervisor of the officials last night. In that conversation he said, 'Bill, we don't even know what you're talking about. There was no flag. There was no report,'" Callahan said. "I was frustrated. I was emotional. I made a gesture. I'm going to fight for our team. I'm going to fight for our players. I'm 49 years old. I'm not going to use a gesture. I think this is way blown out of proportion."

That's enough for me when the supervisor of the officials is basically saying "Yeah whatever" to Callahan. Let's forget that Callahan is pulling out some bizarre coach speak by saying "I made a gesture" and following it up with "I'm not going to use a gesture".

Can we focus more on supporting the team when they need it? How about by focusing more on little things like "scoring", and "winning", and "showing up in the first half". You know, little tiny things like that.

As far as the gesture goes, this is SPORTS, people. How many times do coaches and players use signals? Here and there, I think. As far as the threat of killing a man by slitting his throat, that same symbol is also used for stop what you're doing, no, and possibly in this case, no touchdown because of the hold, you retarded blind official.

For those saying it is not a throat slash, shut up. For those saying it is and he meant it in a way that was indicative of Jason Voorhees type bodily harm, then please join the shut up group and stand in the corner.

It is amusing watching the kool-aid club act the way they do over this issue. Callahan and/or Pederson could walk out to the 50 yard line, and take a crap in the face of a wheelchair-bound vegetable, and they'd praise it as if Christ himself had come down from the heavens and denounced the option play.

The anti-Callahan crowd is using this as another reason to pile on criticism, even though, as far as the actual act, there is no need for a critique. His post "death threat" comments could use some polishing, but the whole thing is stupid to begin with.

Let's focus on the team, and stop this incessant need to try and find drama around every corner. Our offensive line is giving us enough drama.